Tag Archives: stereotype

Neuroscience of Love: How to Overcome Family Objections of International Relationships

neuroscience_on_loveI married my American husband in 2006 and started my Korean language blog about our life as an intercultural couple in January, 2008. At the time, international, especially interracial couples were looked down upon in Korean society because of the old belief about Korea as a one-ethnic nation and the history of American GIs and Korean women in the 20th century. Due to the strong prejudice, Korean women kept their relationship with foreign partners secret. I was the first Korean blogger on Naver to openly write about international relationships. I received many messages from Korean women who dated foreign men. I felt the need for a community for these women and created the first and now largest online community for Korean women in international relationships.

As the community grew, the media began to notice of this emerging population. Consequently, I was interviewed numerous times by major media outlets, authors, and students. Over the past ten years, prejudice against international relationships has been steadily reduced. Each year, over 20,000 Koreans marry someone from another country. In a recent survey by the Ministry of Gender Equality and Family and the Korean Women’s Development Institute, one out of ten Koreans see international marriages favorably. I asked the members of my community about how their parents reacted when they broke the news about their relationship to their parents.

The survey was conducted between May 26 and 28, 2019. Among 166 survey participants, 52% said they didn’t experience any objection. For the rest of the 48% that experienced objections, 19% was due to stereotypes about their partner’s country, religion, or race, 13% due to concerns about immigration, 8% due to their partner’s financial or career instability, and another 8% due to the linguistic and cultural barrier with their future son-in-law. Then, what are the ways to overcome family objections about international relationships?

Step 1: Use Stories to Ease Anxiety.

At the root of any stereotype is the fear of out-groups, those who are not like us. Our brain’s top priority is to ensure our survival. When we see something unfamiliar, the amygdala immediately sets off a warning alarm. Dr. Alexandra Golby at Harvard Medical School found that same-race faces are processed quicker than other-race faces. And Dr. Elizabeth Phelps, professor of neuroscience at Harvard, found a greater activation of the amygdala to other-race faces in comparison to same-race faces. These findings show that other-race faces trigger anxiety even before we recognize their faces.

As the amygdala triggers the alarm, stress hormones rise. Stress reduces our ability to think flexibly and drives us to rely on stereotypes. Stereotypes are created when we consciously try to find reasons for the fear that the amygdala triggered. The brain can find as many reasons to dislike someone as we want, ranging from nationality, race, religion, look, to job. Regardless of the specific reasons for their objection, parents’ fear stems from concern for their child’s well-being: ‘Couples of the same language and culture end up in divorce at times. Couples with different cultures and languages would have more problems. And how can I help her if she lives thousands of miles away?’

Before introducing a boy/girlfriend from another country to parents, plant a seed of familiarity first. Think about why you fell in love with him/her and collect examples to show those positive qualities. For example, if you love his thoughtful consideration, think about moments when his consideration made you happy and tell those stories to your parents. Help your parents imagine your partner caring for you. Show the pictures of your partner and talk about how caring he/she is to you. This gradual exposure will help them let their guard down. Start with someone in your family who is most likely to accept your partner.

Step 2: Meet to Build Trust.

After their guard is lowered, it is time to build trust. The base of liking is trust. We can only like someone when we know we can trust them. In his book, Pre-suation, Dr. Robert Cialdini, a respected expert in persuasion, explains that building trust is the starting point of any persuasion and that commonality and compliment are shortcuts to liking. To build trust, we need to meet. Making eye contact and exchanging smiles boost the trust hormone of oxytocin, replacing anxiety with familiarity. Don’t make the first meeting an interview. Invite your partner to family events, such as a parent’s birthday, or invite your parents to a date. Let your parents see how you care for each other. Be careful of the level of physical affection. Hugging and holding hands are okay but kissing would make Korean parents feel uncomfortable.

Help your partner and parents find commonalities. Think about what they have in common, and let both sides know about the commonalities. For example, both my father and husband came out of challenging economic circumstances through education and hard work. I let them know about this commonality. Even before they met each other, my father appreciated my husband for completing bachelor’s and master’s degrees and for working on his doctoral degree on his own. My husband also respected my father for his accomplishment of starting off at the bottom and then becoming an executive plant manager.

Step 3: Spend Time Together to Grow the Relationship.

After building trust, it is time to build a relationship so that they can accept each other as new family members. Plan occasions where they can spend time together. Think about activities that both your parents and partner would enjoy. The happiness chemical of dopamine is released in many daily situations, such as when we eat delicious food, watch movies, and enjoy fun or new experiences.

A good mood will open their mind and motivate them to learn about each other. Then, they can see beyond stereotypes. Also, whenever they think of happy moments they spent together, serotonin levels will go up, making them happy. Have your partner bring gifts or send a message to your parents on their birthdays. Compliment and gratitude are the biggest rewards for the brain. Use them to earn your parents’ support!

The best way to grow our brain and society is by accepting diversity. New experience and knowledge stimulate our brain. There are people who look and speak differently than we do. But their feelings are the same as ours. Give the same respect to those who are different. And learn and use differences to grow together. Commonalities bond us and Differences grow us.

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Neuroscience of Love: How to Handle Prejudice against International Couples

neuroscience_on_loveSeeing foreigners and international couples on the streets of Korea has become common. Over two million foreign nationals live in Korea. Annually, over 20,000 Koreans tie the knot with people from other countries. There are also Korean celebrities who have married internationally. They include Korean film director Kim Tae-yong and Chinese actress Tang Wei, Korean actress Choo Ja-hyun and Chinese actor Yu Xiaoguang, and Korean actress Im Sung-min and American professor Michael Unger. In addition, every year, 20 million foreign tourists visit Korea, and 30 million Koreans travel abroad. As interaction with different nationalities is increasing, prejudice against international couples is decreasing.

From April 4 to 7, 2019, I conducted a survey of Korean women who are dating or married to foreigners about whether they have experienced any discrimination within the last year. Among 171 participants, 32% answered not at all. However, a majority said they experienced unpleasant stares or judgmental whispers. Such responses are more common in smaller towns than in big cities and for Korean-black couples than for Korean-white or Asian couples. Although blatant discrimination is uncommon on the streets, international couples in Korea are still often subject to sexist mockery and hostile comments online.

What are ways to handle prejudice against international couples?

Focus Your Attention on Your Lover

People’s stares get on our nerves because the amygdala, the natural defense system in the brain, sends us a warning signal. For our ancient ancestors, their life depended on their ability to sense the stare of predators. Although such dangers are long gone, the amygdala, a part of the primitive brain, retains its sensitivity to stares. We tend to exaggerate stares. Even when people are not actually looking at us, we often believe they are.

When sensing a stare, we feel compelled to look toward that direction and automatically start wondering ‘why they are looking at me.’ Just accept the fact that they are looking at you and move your attention back to your lover. It is highly unlikely that the starer will attack you. They will just pass by.

Talk about Discrimination

The brain uses stereotypes and habits to save energy because it runs 24/7, 365 days a year. Its top priority is to ensure our survival. When encountering strangers, the brain makes initial judgement within milliseconds: ‘Can I trust them?’ Stereotypes play a big role in first impressions. For survival, avoiding danger is vital, so we tend to remember negative stereotypes more than positive ones.

Having negative stereotypes or prejudice is not an indication of a bad nature, but rather of ignorance. When we are surrounded by people from the same culture, we perceive stereotypes about other groups as common knowledge and never think much of it. Intercultural couples have more opportunities to recognize the stereotypes that they have as well as their lover and people around them have. It is natural to feel agitated when we are confronted with discriminatory comments or behaviors. Use Dr. Helen Riess’s ABC Empathy technique. Acknowledge that everyone has stereotypes. Take deep Breaths to calm down. Engage your Curiosity to listen to others with an open mind.

For example, some Caucasians may not know why the slant-eye gesture insults Koreans and other Asians. Likewise, Koreans don’t understand why calling a foreigner a foreigner, not their name, can be upsetting. During the Japanese Occupation period, Koreans also felt insulted by Japanese calling them Korean. As proud as we are of being a member of our group, we also want to be respected as a unique individual. We feel offended when someone treats us as identical to someone else and thus easily replaceable. The first step to breaking stereotypes is to learn about each other.

Ignore Internet Trolls

To internet trolls, who we are doesn’t matter. Their prejudice doesn’t come from us – they don’t even know us, but from anxiety and fear in their minds. Excess stress hormones are the cause of tunnel vision, hyper-vigilance, and hostility. Negative emotions usually come from our survival instinct. Men have an instinct to pass on their genes. It is common for men to be overly protective of the women in their group. Those who feel threatened tend to belittle the men of other groups, while exaggerating their sexuality as a main source of competition. This tendency is well-described in Frantz Fanon’s Black Skin, White Masks.

We cannot change the minds of trolls. Reacting to their trolling is meaningless. Just delete their comments and move on. The brain’s biggest fear is being excluded and isolated. As the general society’s tolerance of diversity increases and discrimination is condemned, trolls will have no choice but to rethink their prejudice.

The root of prejudice is fear. If we respond to prejudice with anger, it only reinforces the prejudice. Remember it takes time and effort to change prejudice. Share your positive stories as an international couple. Let people know that foreigners and international couples are also like them: we are all humans who want to love and be loved and live happily. Eventually, fear and prejudice will give way to empathy.

※ If you are interested in prejudice from a neuroscience perspective, I highly recommend Dr. Laurence Sherman’s lecture, “You and Your Racist Brain: the Neuroscience of Prejudice,” available on Youtube.

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