“What are the difficulties of being an intercultural couple?” This is the question I was asked most often in my numerous media interviews over the last ten years. It seems logical to assume that differences in language and culture would cause tension. When handled properly, arguments are a healthy thing. The fantasy of effortless love can actually damage a relationship.

From March 21 to 24, 2019, I conducted a survey of Korean women in romantic intercultural relationships about their main reasons for arguments. Among 137 participants, a whopping 75% said it was misunderstanding due to cultural or personality differences, 10% said low quality or quantity of communication, 10% said exes or female friends, and only 5% said language differences. Many wrote that cultural and personality differences are reflected in their communication styles, causing misunderstanding.

In Korean and some other Asian cultures, context is more important than what is being said. On the other hand, in North American and some European cultures, language takes priority. This difference sometimes causes an unexpected misunderstanding. For example, the English expression “If you want” is meant to respect another person’s opinion. For a Korean, it could be interpreted as a reluctant acceptance, which deserves to be respected as a polite rejection. When asked “What do you want to eat/do?” Koreans may say “Whatever you want” to respect your preference. They also expect you to respect theirs: ‘consider what we would both want.’

Regardless of the specific reasons, relationship conflict stems from the frustration of not being understood. Then, what are good ways to argue that strengthen the relationship?

1. Think about What Makes You Feel That Way.

Emotion arises from the combination of how you feel and how you interpret a situation. Your physical and mental condition affects your interpretation of the same situation. First, check your condition: Am I tired? Am I hungry? Am I under stress? And before you get into an argument, think about what makes you feel bad. Speak to yourself or write whatever you want to say to him/her. But, don’t send what you wrote. Or, talk to someone about your concerns. Watching a sad movie and crying can also help. Crying releases serotonin, helping to soothe your emotions. Once you feel calm, consider what you want: work on the relationship, breakup, or postpone the decision. Remember that love is ultimately for your own happiness and well-being.

2. Explain How You Feel and Why

To get your lover to understand you, explain specifically how you feel and why. We have a natural ability to empathize with others. Harvard Medical School Professor Helen Riess calls it “empathic capacity.” When we see someone, especially those we feel close to, experience pain, the same areas of our brain are activated, creating a shared mind experience. That is why our heart aches when our loved one is in distress. For empathy to work, you need to provide specific information that helps your lover imagine your situation.

Use your natural capacity for empathy to learn how he/she feels and why. Intercultural couples with different languages have another layer of frustration due to limits in their ability to express themselves. Dr. Riess’s ABC empathy technique comes in handy: Acknowledge your and his/her emotions. Take deep Breaths to manage your reaction. And engage your Curiosity to understand him/her. A feeling of being understood relieves much of the tension.

3. Set a Time for the Argument

If you sense an argument getting out of hand, call a time-out. If either of you feels your heart beating faster, face flushing, or muscles tensing, it means an adrenaline rush is driving you to a fight-or-flight response. You are likely to say things that you will regret. Because the prefrontal cortex of the thinking brain isn’t working properly, you are likely to focus on tiny details, such as his/her tone of voice or choice of words.

Set a time to continue the conversation. At least sleep on it. Sleep restores your ability to empathize by releasing dopamine and endorphins. The best time to resume the conversation will be a time when you both are relaxed. Have brunch or coffee and dessert together because eating boosts serotonin, moderating intense emotions. Also, physical touch, such as hugs and kisses, and smiles boost the love hormone oxytocin, increasing patience for each other. Timing is key to productive arguments!

4. Use Small Requests and Praise

What ticks us off is usually the frustration of being ignored: “How many times have I told you? Why don’t you just do it?” In fact, willpower isn’t enough to change habits. Those who turn their diet plan or New Year’s Resolution into lifestyle habits are a rare minority. To change habits, there must be enough serotonin in the brain’s prefrontal cortex for decision-making and enough dopamine in the striatum for habit formation.

If you want your lover to change his/her behavior, choose one specific habit that bothers you the most and ask him/her to do one easy thing. Be patient! You are trying to change his/her brain. Habits take an average of 66 days and up to 254 days to form. Nagging has only a temporary effect of getting immediate attention. Use praise instead. Praise has a more lasting effect on motivating him/her to repeat the action you want.