Tag Archives: relationship

Neuroscience of Love: How to Overcome Boredom in a Relationship

Romantic love often starts with a spark, so we say “we hit it off” or “we felt chemistry.” When we fall in love, we feel excited and even euphoric. Our initial heart pounding is due to high stress hormones, leading us to be narrowly-focused. The focus is on earning the heart of the one we are attracted to. At this time, the frontal cortex of the thinking brain is less active. So, we tend to overlook their shortcomings. As a relationship is established, cortisol goes down and the natural mood stabilizer serotonin returns to normal. We become more comfortable around our partner than excited. And we also begin to notice more than their good side. The flip side of feeling secure is boredom.

From May 10 to 12, 2019, I conducted a survey of women between their 20s and 40s about the reasons for boredom in their relationships. Among 67 participants, 40% said it is because they notice more shortcomings of their partners, 30% said they get tired of the same routine, 18% said they feel disappointed by their partner’s reduced affection or care, 7% said they look sloppy around them, 5% said they don’t try to grow. Then, what are the ways to overcome boredom in a relationship?

When we get used to each other’s presence, we tend to take them and what they do for us for granted. The brain has to work nonstop, so it tries to save energy as much as possible. The brain stops paying attention to what it perceives as normal. That is why it is easy to forget the positive qualities that initially attracted you to your partner. The brain’s energy-saving function doesn’t always serve us well. Love always takes effort.

Thank Each Other

When you notice yourself focusing on the negative side of your partner, write about what you like about them. Your partner probably got better at predicting what you like or dislike. Pay attention to what they do for you. And thank them. Buy a small gift to show your love or appreciation. Appreciation boosts dopamine in both of your brains. To give thanks, you need to direct your attention to the positives. Praise is the biggest prize for the brain, triggering dopamine release. Your gratitude will make your partner happy and more motivated to repeat the actions to get that praise again. Thanking creates a virtuous cycle of lasting love. Boredom doesn’t set in just because the same routine is repeated. It is because we are unsatisfied with the routine. Thanking helps us be satisfied with what we’ve got.

Try Something Old

20160808_150320Happy memories boost serotonin, making you happy. Look at pictures of happy moments you enjoyed together. Also, try reenacting those moments. You can visit the same places you went on your first date or anniversaries. Or, do activities that you used to enjoy together. For example, three years ago, my husband and I visited the town where we met. We drove around the university campus and our old houses, reflecting on our memories. We also recently dug up the old Nintendo Wii we used to play together.

Re-living happy moments will remind you of what brought you together. Even when you feel distant from your partner, acting like a loving couple can help bring back the old feelings. The way we act can change the way we feel by changing the hormones inside of us. This is part of the reason that TV or movie couples easily turn into real-life couples. Kissing, hugging, and walking while holding hands boost the love hormone of oxytocin. Love needs to be expressed. Expressions of love are the glue that bonds you and your partner together.

Try Something New

A long-term relationship doesn’t equal boredom. In 2011, neuroscientists at Stony Brook University compared the brain scans of loving couples with different years of relationship. They found no difference in the intensity of activity in the dopamine-rich areas, which means the length of a relationship doesn’t inevitably dampen romance. You don’t need to change your partner every time you get bored. Instead, try something new. With the comfort and support your long-term partner provides, explore new interests or even new careers. This is a special benefit exclusive to long-term, especially married couples.

grayhaired modelYou can take turns of supporting each other so that you both have a chance to take risks and pursue your dreams. With my husband’s support, I achieved the lifestyle I wanted. I am a digital nomad who makes a living through writing, social marketing, and market research. With my support, my husband made a career change from professor of communication to actor and model. Every change involves risks. Having a lifetime partner can allow you to take risks and achieve the life you want. When each other’s presence is the foundation for personal growth and happiness, there is no room for boredom.

Add Small Changes to Daily Life

TokyoNew experiences boost dopamine because it is a learning and motivation chemical. The brain releases dopamine not just to make us happy but to make us act. To add spice to your couple’s life, make a bucket list of things that you and your partner want to try. Some are those you can do right now and others are for the future. In the short term, you can have a couple’s massage, a night out at a hotel, or take a weekend trip somewhere. For example, my husband and I took a two-night trip to Tokyo, Japan, for our 13th first-date anniversary. We chose robots and fashion as the theme of our trip. We went to see robots at a museum and took a tour of Ginza, a famous shopping district in Tokyo, with a Japanese fashion stylist, Hiroyuki Ishizuka. Adding new memories is important to keeping romance alive.

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Neuroscience of Love: How to Manage Arguments in a Relationship

Hyunjin Jenna“What are the difficulties of being an intercultural couple?” This is the question I was asked most often in my numerous media interviews over the last ten years. It seems logical to assume that differences in language and culture would cause tension. When handled properly, arguments are a healthy thing. The fantasy of effortless love can actually damage a relationship.

From March 21 to 24, 2019, I conducted a survey of Korean women in romantic intercultural relationships about their main reasons for arguments. Among 137 participants, a whopping 75% said it was misunderstanding due to cultural or personality differences, 10% said low quality or quantity of communication, 10% said exes or female friends, and only 5% said language differences. Many wrote that cultural and personality differences are reflected in their communication styles, causing misunderstanding.

korean-american coupleIn Korean and some other Asian cultures, context is more important than what is being said. On the other hand, in North American and some European cultures, language takes priority. This difference sometimes causes an unexpected misunderstanding. For example, the English expression “If you want” is meant to respect another person’s opinion. For a Korean, it could be interpreted as a reluctant acceptance, which deserves to be respected as a polite rejection. When asked “What do you want to eat/do?” Koreans may say “Whatever you want” to respect your preference. They also expect you to respect theirs: ‘consider what we would both want.’

Regardless of the specific reasons, relationship conflict stems from the frustration of not being understood. Then, what are good ways to argue that strengthen the relationship?

  1. Think about What Makes You Feel That Way.

Emotion arises from the combination of how you feel and how you interpret a situation. Your physical and mental condition affects your interpretation of the same situation. First, check your condition: Am I tired? Am I hungry? Am I under stress? And before you get into an argument, think about what makes you feel bad. Speak to yourself or write whatever you want to say to him/her. But, don’t send what you wrote. Or, talk to someone about your concerns. Watching a sad movie and crying can also help. Crying releases serotonin, helping to soothe your emotions. Once you feel calm, consider what you want: work on the relationship, breakup, or postpone the decision. Remember that love is ultimately for your own happiness and well-being.

  1. Explain How You Feel and Why

To get your lover to understand you, explain specifically how you feel and why. We have a natural ability to empathize with others. Harvard Medical School Professor Helen Riess calls it “empathic capacity.” When we see someone, especially those we feel close to, experience pain, the same areas of our brain are activated, creating a shared mind experience. That is why our heart aches when our loved one is in distress. For empathy to work, you need to provide specific information that helps your lover imagine your situation.

Use your natural capacity for empathy to learn how he/she feels and why. Intercultural couples with different languages have another layer of frustration due to limits in their ability to express themselves. Dr. Riess’s ABC empathy technique comes in handy: Acknowledge your and his/her emotions. Take deep Breaths to manage your reaction. And engage your Curiosity to understand him/her. A feeling of being understood relieves much of the tension.

  1. Set a Time for the Argument

If you sense an argument getting out of hand, call a time-out. If either of you feels your heart beating faster, face flushing, or muscles tensing, it means an adrenaline rush is driving you to a fight-or-flight response. You are likely to say things that you will regret. Because the prefrontal cortex of the thinking brain isn’t working properly, you are likely to focus on tiny details, such as his/her tone of voice or choice of words.

Set a time to continue the conversation. At least sleep on it. Sleep restores your ability to empathize by releasing dopamine and endorphins. The best time to resume the conversation will be a time when you both are relaxed. Have brunch or coffee and dessert together because eating boosts serotonin, moderating intense emotions. Also, physical touch, such as hugs and kisses, and smiles boost the love hormone oxytocin, increasing patience for each other. Timing is key to productive arguments!

  1. Use Small Requests and Praise

What ticks us off is usually the frustration of being ignored: “How many times have I told you? Why don’t you just do it?” In fact, willpower isn’t enough to change habits. Those who turn their diet plan or New Year’s Resolution into lifestyle habits are a rare minority. To change habits, there must be enough serotonin in the brain’s prefrontal cortex for decision-making and enough dopamine in the striatum for habit formation.

If you want your lover to change his/her behavior, choose one specific habit that bothers you the most and ask him/her to do one easy thing. Be patient! You are trying to change his/her brain. Habits take an average of 66 days and up to 254 days to form. Nagging has only a temporary effect of getting immediate attention. Use praise instead. Praise has a more lasting effect on motivating him/her to repeat the action you want.

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To Find True Love, Question your Gut Feelings!

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My hubby and Me on the 14th anniversary of our first date

I will write a weekly article about intercultural relationship. For the last 11 years, I have dedicated myself to reducing stereotypes about intercultural couples, contributing to increasing acceptance of cultural and ethnic diversity in Korea. Due to the belief in a one-race nation, intercultural couples in Korea were stigmatized. In January 2008, I started blogging about intercultural relationships. A year later, I created an online community for Korean women who are in romantic relationships with foreign men. It became the largest online community for intercultural couples in my country.

Many Korean women have come to me for advice about their relationships with their foreign boyfriends or husbands. In my weekly articles, I will share the most common issues that intercultural couples experience and my advice about those issues. One of the biggest concerns that Korean women have at the beginning of a relationship is whether they are being taken seriously or being played with. We call the latter the “Enjoy (Partner).” Although not all relationships need to end in marriage, Korean women want to establish exclusivity early on and prefer a relationship that puts marriage on the table.

At the beginning of a relationship, Korean women are wary of “Yellow Fever,” or the Asian Fetish. They are concerned about whether foreign men pursue them out of genuine attraction, or out of a sexual fantasy about Asian women. Having a preference for certain physical characteristics is okay, but we all want to be loved for who we are, not for being a member of a specific racial category.

Many Korean women are unsettled by their boyfriends’ interactions with other women, especially with exes or other young Korean women. Staying in contact with exes or keeping their pictures on the computer is seen as a threat. A refusal to cut off contact or delete pictures is seen as a sign of continued feelings. In extreme cases, some request their boyfriends to get permission before meeting any women. There is common advice that Korean women give to each other, “Trust your gut. If a man makes you doubt, he is not into you.”

A gut feeling comes from the prefrontal cortex’s interpretation of emotional responses triggered by the amygdala or the Lizard Brain. To ensure our survival, the Lizard Brain reacts to any potential danger. Then, the prefrontal cortex makes judgments about the perceived danger by drawing from past memories in the hippocampus, the brain’s hard drive. What we need to know about memories is that they are malleable rather than fixed. Neuroscientist Dr. Alex Korb suggests that our memories are put together from bits and pieces every time we recall them. Our emotion at the time of recall skew our memories to the positive or negative.

In fear, we are likely to paint our memories negatively and find cues that support our concern. That is, we are likely to find reasons to worry and invite jealousy into our minds. At the core of our doubt in relationships is often fear. Kristen Ulmer explains in her book the Art of Fear that the fear of abandonment lies behind accusations, immature anger, and unreasonable demands between couples.

Building a relationship is about building trust. Uncertainty at the beginning of a relationship is certain. The unknown has two sides. It excites us and scares us at the same time. Cherish the flutter you get and trust each other. Having a watchful eye on a partner never helps a relationship. Nobody wants to be accused, questioned, and watched. Arguments, accusations, and surveillance will make anyone unhappy and ruin potentially great relationships. Question your gut feelings. Your gut feelings or suspicion may turn out to be true. If they betray your trust, they don’t deserve your love anyway. Either way, question your gut feelings! If we let gut feelings rule our lives, we will lose the chances for great things – new opportunities and relationships.

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