Seeing foreigners and international couples on the streets of Korea has become common. Over two million foreign nationals live in Korea. Annually, over 20,000 Koreans tie the knot with people from other countries. There are also Korean celebrities who have married internationally. They include Korean film director Kim Tae-yong and Chinese actress Tang Wei, Korean actress Choo Ja-hyun and Chinese actor Yu Xiaoguang, and Korean actress Im Sung-min and American professor Michael Unger. In addition, every year, 20 million foreign tourists visit Korea, and 30 million Koreans travel abroad. As interaction with different nationalities is increasing, prejudice against international couples is decreasing.

From April 4 to 7, 2019, I conducted a survey of Korean women who are dating or married to foreigners about whether they have experienced any discrimination within the last year. Among 171 participants, 32% answered not at all. However, a majority said they experienced unpleasant stares or judgmental whispers. Such responses are more common in smaller towns than in big cities and for Korean-black couples than for Korean-white or Asian couples. Although blatant discrimination is uncommon on the streets, international couples in Korea are still often subject to sexist mockery and hostile comments online.

What are ways to handle prejudice against international couples?

Focus Your Attention on Your Lover

People’s stares get on our nerves because the amygdala, the natural defense system in the brain, sends us a warning signal. For our ancient ancestors, their life depended on their ability to sense the stare of predators. Although such dangers are long gone, the amygdala, a part of the primitive brain, retains its sensitivity to stares. We tend to exaggerate stares. Even when people are not actually looking at us, we often believe they are.

When sensing a stare, we feel compelled to look toward that direction and automatically start wondering ‘why they are looking at me.’ Just accept the fact that they are looking at you and move your attention back to your lover. It is highly unlikely that the starer will attack you. They will just pass by.

Talk about Discrimination

The brain uses stereotypes and habits to save energy because it runs 24/7, 365 days a year. Its top priority is to ensure our survival. When encountering strangers, the brain makes initial judgement within milliseconds: ‘Can I trust them?’ Stereotypes play a big role in first impressions. For survival, avoiding danger is vital, so we tend to remember negative stereotypes more than positive ones.

Having negative stereotypes or prejudice is not an indication of a bad nature, but rather of ignorance. When we are surrounded by people from the same culture, we perceive stereotypes about other groups as common knowledge and never think much of it. Intercultural couples have more opportunities to recognize the stereotypes that they have as well as their lover and people around them have. It is natural to feel agitated when we are confronted with discriminatory comments or behaviors. Use Dr. Helen Riess’s ABC Empathy technique. Acknowledge that everyone has stereotypes. Take deep Breaths to calm down. Engage your Curiosity to listen to others with an open mind.

For example, some Caucasians may not know why the slant-eye gesture insults Koreans and other Asians. Likewise, Koreans don’t understand why calling a foreigner a foreigner, not their name, can be upsetting. During the Japanese Occupation period, Koreans also felt insulted by Japanese calling them Korean. As proud as we are of being a member of our group, we also want to be respected as a unique individual. We feel offended when someone treats us as identical to someone else and thus easily replaceable. The first step to breaking stereotypes is to learn about each other.

Ignore Internet Trolls

To internet trolls, who we are doesn’t matter. Their prejudice doesn’t come from us – they don’t even know us, but from anxiety and fear in their minds. Excess stress hormones are the cause of tunnel vision, hyper-vigilance, and hostility. Negative emotions usually come from our survival instinct. Men have an instinct to pass on their genes. It is common for men to be overly protective of the women in their group. Those who feel threatened tend to belittle the men of other groups, while exaggerating their sexuality as a main source of competition. This tendency is well-described in Frantz Fanon’s Black Skin, White Masks.

We cannot change the minds of trolls. Reacting to their trolling is meaningless. Just delete their comments and move on. The brain’s biggest fear is being excluded and isolated. As the general society’s tolerance of diversity increases and discrimination is condemned, trolls will have no choice but to rethink their prejudice.

The root of prejudice is fear. If we respond to prejudice with anger, it only reinforces the prejudice. Remember it takes time and effort to change prejudice. Share your positive stories as an international couple. Let people know that foreigners and international couples are also like them: we are all humans who want to love and be loved and live happily. Eventually, fear and prejudice will give way to empathy.

※ If you are interested in prejudice from a neuroscience perspective, I highly recommend Dr. Laurence Sherman’s lecture, “You and Your Racist Brain: the Neuroscience of Prejudice,” available on Youtube.