Neuroscience of Love: How to Overcome Family Objections of International Relationships

neuroscience_on_love I married my American husband in 2006 and started my Korean language blog about our life as an intercultural couple in January, 2008. At the time, international, especially interracial couples were looked down upon in Korean society because of the old belief about Korea as a one-ethnic nation and the history of American GIs and Korean women in the 20^th century. Due to the strong prejudice, Korean women kept their relationship with foreign partners secret. I was the first Korean blogger on Naver to openly write about international relationships. I received many messages from Korean women who dated foreign men. I felt the need for a community for these women and created the first and now largest online community for Korean women in international relationships.

As the community grew, the media began to notice of this emerging population. Consequently, I was interviewed numerous times by major media outlets, authors, and students. Over the past ten years, prejudice against international relationships has been steadily reduced. Each year, over 20,000 Koreans marry someone from another country. In a recent survey by the Ministry of Gender Equality and Family and the Korean Women’s Development Institute, one out of ten Koreans see international marriages favorably. I asked the members of my community about how their parents reacted when they broke the news about their relationship to their parents.

The survey was conducted between May 26 and 28, 2019. Among 166 survey participants, 52% said they didn’t experience any objection. For the rest of the 48% that experienced objections, 19% was due to stereotypes about their partner’s country, religion, or race, 13% due to concerns about immigration, 8% due to their partner’s financial or career instability, and another 8% due to the linguistic and cultural barrier with their future son-in-law. Then, what are the ways to overcome family objections about international relationships?

Step 1: Use Stories to Ease Anxiety.

At the root of any stereotype is the fear of out-groups, those who are not like us. Our brain’s top priority is to ensure our survival. When we see something unfamiliar, the amygdala immediately sets off a warning alarm. Dr. Alexandra Golby at Harvard Medical School found that same-race faces are processed quicker than other-race faces. And Dr. Elizabeth Phelps, professor of neuroscience at Harvard, found a greater activation of the amygdala to other-race faces in comparison to same-race faces. These findings show that other-race faces trigger anxiety even before we recognize their faces.

As the amygdala triggers the alarm, stress hormones rise. Stress reduces our ability to think flexibly and drives us to rely on stereotypes. Stereotypes are created when we consciously try to find reasons for the fear that the amygdala triggered. The brain can find as many reasons to dislike someone as we want, ranging from nationality, race, religion, look, to job. Regardless of the specific reasons for their objection, parents’ fear stems from concern for their child’s well-being: ‘Couples of the same language and culture end up in divorce at times. Couples with different cultures and languages would have more problems. And how can I help her if she lives thousands of miles away?’

Before introducing a boy/girlfriend from another country to parents, plant a seed of familiarity first. Think about why you fell in love with him/her and collect examples to show those positive qualities. For example, if you love his thoughtful consideration, think about moments when his consideration made you happy and tell those stories to your parents. Help your parents imagine your partner caring for you. Show the pictures of your partner and talk about how caring he/she is to you. This gradual exposure will help them let their guard down. Start with someone in your family who is most likely to accept your partner.

Step 2: Meet to Build Trust.

After their guard is lowered, it is time to build trust. The base of liking is trust. We can only like someone when we know we can trust them. In his book, Pre-suation, Dr. Robert Cialdini, a respected expert in persuasion, explains that building trust is the starting point of any persuasion and that commonality and compliment are shortcuts to liking. To build trust, we need to meet. Making eye contact and exchanging smiles boost the trust hormone of oxytocin, replacing anxiety with familiarity. Don’t make the first meeting an interview. Invite your partner to family events, such as a parent’s birthday, or invite your parents to a date. Let your parents see how you care for each other. Be careful of the level of physical affection. Hugging and holding hands are okay but kissing would make Korean parents feel uncomfortable.

Help your partner and parents find commonalities. Think about what they have in common, and let both sides know about the commonalities. For example, both my father and husband came out of challenging economic circumstances through education and hard work. I let them know about this commonality. Even before they met each other, my father appreciated my husband for completing bachelor’s and master’s degrees and for working on his doctoral degree on his own. My husband also respected my father for his accomplishment of starting off at the bottom and then becoming an executive plant manager.

Step 3: Spend Time Together to Grow the Relationship.

After building trust, it is time to build a relationship so that they can accept each other as new family members. Plan occasions where they can spend time together. Think about activities that both your parents and partner would enjoy. The happiness chemical of dopamine is released in many daily situations, such as when we eat delicious food, watch movies, and enjoy fun or new experiences.

A good mood will open their mind and motivate them to learn about each other. Then, they can see beyond stereotypes. Also, whenever they think of happy moments they spent together, serotonin levels will go up, making them happy. Have your partner bring gifts or send a message to your parents on their birthdays. Compliment and gratitude are the biggest rewards for the brain. Use them to earn your parents’ support!

The best way to grow our brain and society is by accepting diversity. New experience and knowledge stimulate our brain. There are people who look and speak differently than we do. But their feelings are the same as ours. Give the same respect to those who are different. And learn and use differences to grow together. Commonalities bond us and Differences grow us.

Neuroscience of Love: Why Couples Look Alike

korean-american couple Why do many couples look alike? Does the doppelganger couple phenomenon apply to international couples too? I asked inter-ethnic/racial couples about whether they have ever heard that they look alike. Among 110 survey participants, a whopping 85% said yes. Because their romantic partners are from another country, they are unlikely to be genetically related. Take me and my husband for example. I am an Asian from Korean parents and my husband is a Caucasian from American parents. Our wedding guests were surprised by how similar our moms looked. They looked like the Asian and western version of each other. My husband and I have also often heard that we look similar, despite our racial differences.

Some may be baffled by how unrelated and biracial couples can look similar. Although races are often used to classify people, human facial features are not so distinctively different race-to-race. Even skin color is in a continuum of shades. Think about cats or dogs. Different breeds have different looks but all share commonalities within their species. Inter-ethnic/racial similarities are not unusual. Facial features overlap across races. Still, how do we end up with a partner who looks like us, even when we choose someone from another country? Are we drawn to people who resemble us? Or, do we grow to look alike?

Attraction to Familiarity

Through the evolution, our brain has developed a liking for the familiar because the familiar often meant safety. To ensure our safety, the brain makes snap judgments of strangers: “Can I trust this person?” In the initial judgment, familiarity plays a key role. The most familiar face is obviously our own. Subconsciously, we tend to trust and favor faces that have a resemblance to ourselves. In 2013, psychologists in Norway asked participants to choose the most attractive face image of their romantic partners. Unknowingly, the participants preferred the images that blended their own facial features with their partners. Familiarity helps let our guard down when we meet someone new. We see people who are like us as more trustworthy or at least more predictable and thus safer. So, we are instinctively drawn to people who are similar to us.

Assimilation through Mimicry

Without realizing it, we mimic others’ facial expressions and verbal and body language. We do this because it helps us understand their feelings and thoughts. Dr. Tanya Chartrand, a neuroscientist at Duke University, found that Botox treatment impairs our ability to understand others by restricting facial mimicry. Dr. Chartrand and Dr. John Bargh also found that the more we mimic each other, the more we like them, and vice versa. Frequent mimicry indicates constant effort to understand each other, an indication of a good relationship.

Over time, this unconscious mimicry creates similar wrinkles and lines, leading to generally similar facial images. This phenomenon was scientifically examined back in 1987 by psychologist Dr. Robert Zajonc. He asked participants to match the photos of men and women who most closely resemble each other. Participants matched couples much more successfully when given their photos taken around 25 years after their marriage than when given those taken at the time of their marriage. The study showed that couples developed facial similarity through empathic mimicry. Happier couples developed greater similarity. In addition, couples adopt similar phrases and gestures. Eventually, couples, especially loving couples, look, speak, and act similarly to each other. In my survey, 32% said they feel like they developed similarity in facial expressions, 25% in personality or ways of thinking, 18% in language expressions, 15% in interests or preferences, and 10% had none.

Influence on Each Other

Experiences change our brain throughout our lives. Dr. Louis Cozolino at Pepperdine University calls it “experience-dependent plasticity.” In his book, the Neuroscience of Human relationships, he explains that close relationships (re)shape the brain. To keep a happy relationship, we constantly adapt to meet the wants and needs of our loved ones. International couples in particular confront a bigger pressure to leave their comfort zone, their home country, and adapt to a new environment and even start a new career.

Living as an international couple brings both challenges and opportunities. Because the wariness of unfamiliarity is so ingrained in all of our brains, it takes time for people in your new home – likely to be your partner’s country – to see you as a person. They don’t trust you or respect you in the same way they do with their fellow citizens. You face invisible boundaries everywhere. You need to find or make openings by exploring different possibilities. Our 15 years together has been a journey of constant self-transformation. We tried many things and some worked out, making us who we are now. Nothing came easy but we supported each other the entire way. Couples grow together, shaping each other’s brains, identities, and lives. In a way, we are each other’s creation that reflects our preference and expectations. As a result, we become similar outside and inside.

Neuroscience of Love: How to Overcome Boredom in a Relationship

Romantic love often starts with a spark, so we say “we hit it off” or “we felt chemistry.” When we fall in love, we feel excited and even euphoric. Our initial heart pounding is due to high stress hormones, leading us to be narrowly-focused. The focus is on earning the heart of the one we are attracted to. At this time, the frontal cortex of the thinking brain is less active. So, we tend to overlook their shortcomings. As a relationship is established, cortisol goes down and the natural mood stabilizer serotonin returns to normal. We become more comfortable around our partner than excited. And we also begin to notice more than their good side. The flip side of feeling secure is boredom.

From May 10 to 12, 2019, I conducted a survey of women between their 20s and 40s about the reasons for boredom in their relationships. Among 67 participants, 40% said it is because they notice more shortcomings of their partners, 30% said they get tired of the same routine, 18% said they feel disappointed by their partner’s reduced affection or care, 7% said they look sloppy around them, 5% said they don’t try to grow. Then, what are the ways to overcome boredom in a relationship?

When we get used to each other’s presence, we tend to take them and what they do for us for granted. The brain has to work nonstop, so it tries to save energy as much as possible. The brain stops paying attention to what it perceives as normal. That is why it is easy to forget the positive qualities that initially attracted you to your partner. The brain’s energy-saving function doesn’t always serve us well. Love always takes effort.

Thank Each Other

When you notice yourself focusing on the negative side of your partner, write about what you like about them. Your partner probably got better at predicting what you like or dislike. Pay attention to what they do for you. And thank them. Buy a small gift to show your love or appreciation. Appreciation boosts dopamine in both of your brains. To give thanks, you need to direct your attention to the positives. Praise is the biggest prize for the brain, triggering dopamine release. Your gratitude will make your partner happy and more motivated to repeat the actions to get that praise again. Thanking creates a virtuous cycle of lasting love. Boredom doesn’t set in just because the same routine is repeated. It is because we are unsatisfied with the routine. Thanking helps us be satisfied with what we’ve got.

Try Something Old

20160808_150320 Happy memories boost serotonin, making you happy. Look at pictures of happy moments you enjoyed together. Also, try reenacting those moments. You can visit the same places you went on your first date or anniversaries. Or, do activities that you used to enjoy together. For example, three years ago, my husband and I visited the town where we met. We drove around the university campus and our old houses, reflecting on our memories. We also recently dug up the old Nintendo Wii we used to play together.

Re-living happy moments will remind you of what brought you together. Even when you feel distant from your partner, acting like a loving couple can help bring back the old feelings. The way we act can change the way we feel by changing the hormones inside of us. This is part of the reason that TV or movie couples easily turn into real-life couples. Kissing, hugging, and walking while holding hands boost the love hormone of oxytocin. Love needs to be expressed. Expressions of love are the glue that bonds you and your partner together.

Try Something New

A long-term relationship doesn’t equal boredom. In 2011, neuroscientists at Stony Brook University compared the brain scans of loving couples with different years of relationship. They found no difference in the intensity of activity in the dopamine-rich areas, which means the length of a relationship doesn’t inevitably dampen romance. You don’t need to change your partner every time you get bored. Instead, try something new. With the comfort and support your long-term partner provides, explore new interests or even new careers. This is a special benefit exclusive to long-term, especially married couples.

You can take turns of supporting each other so that you both have a chance to take risks and pursue your dreams. With my husband’s support, I achieved the lifestyle I wanted. I am a digital nomad who makes a living through writing, social marketing, and market research. With my support, my husband made a career change from professor of communication to actor and model. Every change involves risks. Having a lifetime partner can allow you to take risks and achieve the life you want. When each other’s presence is the foundation for personal growth and happiness, there is no room for boredom.

Add Small Changes to Daily Life

Tokyo New experiences boost dopamine because it is a learning and motivation chemical. The brain releases dopamine not just to make us happy but to make us act. To add spice to your couple’s life, make a bucket list of things that you and your partner want to try. Some are those you can do right now and others are for the future. In the short term, you can have a couple’s massage, a night out at a hotel, or take a weekend trip somewhere. For example, my husband and I took a two-night trip to Tokyo, Japan, for our 13th first-date anniversary. We chose robots and fashion as the theme of our trip. We went to see robots at a museum and took a tour of Ginza, a famous shopping district in Tokyo, with a Japanese fashion stylist, Hiroyuki Ishizuka. Adding new memories is important to keeping romance alive.

Neuroscience of Love: How to Make a Good First Impression on the First Date

neuroscience_on_love A first date is nerve-wracking. Encountering anything new causes a certain level of anxiety because we don’t know what we are getting into. Uncertainty increases stress hormones, preparing the body to respond to the situation ahead. Romantic love actually starts at high cortisol levels, so our heart is pounding. The reason we still feel happy is because attraction to someone reduces the activity of the amygdala, a natural alarm in the brain, while the happiness chemical dopamine increases.

The brain has evolved to make snap judgments of other people to ensure our safety. Dr. Alexander Todorov at Princeton University, an expert in first impressions, found that people evaluate whether someone is trustworthy in 0.1 second when meeting someone new. Dr. Amy Cuddy also found that we only notice whether someone is competent after judging their trustworthiness. To be attracted to someone, we first need to build trust. Thus, the goal of the first date should be to build trust and connection, rather than impress each other.

From May 3 to 5, 2019, I conducted a survey of women between their 20s and 40s about what attracted them to their partner on their first date. Among 162 participants, 36% said they found their partner attractive because of their thoughtful consideration for them, 26% said similar personality or perspectives, 21% said attractive appearance, and 15% said common interests or hobbies. Only 2% said it was because of their job or money. Then, what are the ways to make a good first impression on the first date?

Plan Ahead

Making plans adds certainty. It decreases anxiety and increases confidence. Think of a few places in mind where you can do something besides talk. If it requires a reservation, talk to your date in advance. But, mix in an unexpected surprise! The brain has a love and hate relationship with the unknown. While it prefers familiarity for safety, it gets rewarded with an extra dopamine boost when embracing uncertainty. The brain has evolved this way because adaptability to a new environment is the key to our survival.

Bring your date to a place they may appreciate – for example, an awesome dessert café. A surprise and a delicious dessert are a great combination for a dopamine boost. A jazz club is another great candidate for romantic ambiance. Like food, music helps boost dopamine. Intercultural couples also prefer places where they can introduce each other to their culture. One of the first places my husband brought me to was a café that had a variety of card and board games. He taught me how to play UNO. While we were having fun, he asked me questions, such as what kind of movies I like. A week or two later, he suggested a movie date, saying that he found a movie I might like.

Smile & Style

Smiling is a powerful way to relax both of you. A smile helps boost dopamine and serotonin in both of your brains, calming the amygdala. When we see someone smiling at us, we tend to smile back. The brain is wired to mimic others’ facial expressions for better understanding. It happens in 0.3 seconds so we often don’t notice ourselves doing so. Smiling sets the tone for a pleasant conversation by easing the nerves.

Styling is also important for a good first impression. Prepare for the special occasion, showing that you take the meeting seriously. Dress nicely. Wearing makeup gives an edge to guys. Apply a makeup base/primer, a foundation, or a BB cream to even out the skin tone. Putting on deodorant or a light perfume/cologne also helps. A good smell adds charm. Unlike other senses, smell can reach the cerebral cortex without passing the thalamus, a gateway to the cerebral cortex where sensory information is interpreted. What that means is a smell can make a positive or negative impression before your date even sees or hears you. Bad breath or body odor can immediately ruin your first impression.

Find Commonalities

Finding commonalities is the key to creating a connection. The brain is naturally drawn to familiarity because familiar often means safe. Commonalities help us build trust. As trust is formed, the amygdala is calmed down. Before the first date, do some research on the person you are about to meet and find possible commonalities. Check out their social media or ask a mutual friend. Use your knowledge to start a conversation. For example, if you both seem to love pets, ask if they have a pet. If you seem to share the same hobby, ask what they like to do in their free time.

Differences draw attention. Noticing something different or unusual was crucial to human survival. However, whether we perceive the newness as attractive or threatening depends on our interpretation. Elements of familiarity reduce anxiety, enabling us to appreciate differences. I met my American husband in graduate school in the United States. He walked up to me with a smile and said “An-nyung-ha-say-o” – Hello in Korean. He added that he just returned home after spending a year in Korea, my home country. He immediately set himself apart from others. Commonalities are the seeds of trust, laying the groundwork for a relationship.

Express Your Feelings

A rejection or expectation of rejection causes pain by activating the same part of the brain as physical pain. Avoiding pain is an instinct. To get them to ask you out again, send the right signals. On our first date, my husband said “Dang-sin-ul A-joo Joa-ham-ni-da” – I like you very much in Korean. Without hesitation, I responded, “You are the most attractive man I have ever met.” Playing hard-to-get doesn’t work well, especially for intercultural couples. Your message must be clear. To get love, use the LOVE technique! In his book, the Like Switch, Dr. Jack Schafer, a former FBI behavioral analyst, suggests LOVE (Listen, Observe, Vocalize, and Empathize) as a key strategy for successful relationship building.

(L) Listening shows that you are interested in learning about them. Put away your phone, maintain eye contact, and ask questions to learn more about what they are excited to talk about. (O) Observe their movement. If they look bored, it is time to make a change. You may be talking too much without giving them a chance to talk or talking about something they have no interest in. Pay attention to the way you (V) Vocalize, the tone of your voice. Keep a friendly tone. And finally, (E) Empathize with what they are saying.

Neuroscience of Love: How to Manage Grief After Losing a Loved One

neuroscience_on_love When we fall in love with someone, we experience a rush of dopamine that makes us happy. Our lover’s kisses and hugs boost oxytocin that makes us feel close to them and safe around them. When we feel loved and appreciated for who we are, we also experience a steady flow of serotonin, making us feel calm and confident. These feel-good chemicals motivate us to stay together. The flip side of the strong bond is the strong pain when we lose them due to a breakup or death. Suddenly, the feel-good hormones drop, while the stress hormones skyrocket.

A breakup or bereavement makes us feel alone, lost, and vulnerable. We feel heartache, an actual physical pain, because stress hormones cause our heart to beat erratically. The pain of losing someone is usually worse when we don’t have control of the loss. It is most intense and persistent when we lose someone to death. Unlike a regular breakup, there is nothing that we can do to bring them back. I conducted a survey of Korean women between their 20s and 40s about the toughest challenge of a breakup. Among 81 participants, 42% said it was loneliness, 25% said regret, 21% said feeling lost, and 12% said none/happy to move on.

What are healthy ways to manage the grief of losing a loved one?

Write Your Feelings

The key to managing the pain of a loss is to let yourself feel whatever emotion comes to you. Any attempts to suppress your emotion or control your thoughts take energy, leading to exhaustion. Intense emotion results from the hyperactivity of the amygdala, the natural alarm in the brain. The alarm will stay on until you give it proper attention. Instead of resisting thoughts about your loss, write a letter to your ex or your loved one who passed. Put all your thoughts, feelings, and regrets into words. It will help you make sense of your experience and soothe your pain.

Grief and regret are unique emotions. Ultimately, emotions are there to support our survival. Positive emotions motivate us to repeat actions that are beneficial to our survival. Negative emotions make us avoid things that are harmful to our survival. There is nothing we can do about someone passing or our past. How do grief and regret help us? Through our grief after the death of a loved one, we often find new meaning in life, motivating us to live a fuller life to honor them and our unfulfilled dreams. All the regrets after a breakup give us lessons for better relationships. Don’t send the letter you wrote to your ex. The letter is only for you, with your own personalized relationship advice!

Take a Bath with Music

Taking a bath or getting a massage relaxes the body and the mind by releasing endorphins, a natural pain killer. Music, particularly sad music, helps ease our pain. By listening to lyrics about sadness from love, you realize you are not the only one who experiences this kind of pain. It also helps you release your emotion. Cry as long as you want, while soaking in warm water! Crying soothes the pain by triggering the release of serotonin, oxytocin and endorphins while reducing cortisol.

Naturally, cortisol levels are highest when we wake up and decrease to their lowest in the late evening, helping us rest and sleep. Cortisol during the day is our ally, helping us focus on our job. The loss of a loved one, one of the biggest stressors, disturbs the normal cortisol cycle. Relaxation helps to reduce cortisol and aids your sleep. Sleep produces dopamine and endorphins, empowering you to survive the pain and grow. If you lost your loved one to death, remember that death doesn’t end your relationship with them. Their memory now lives inside of you. If you broke up with someone, remember that you are learning for a better relationship.

Keep Your Routine

While giving yourself the time to process your emotion, you still need to keep your routine. Many everyday activities, such as walking, eating, sleeping, and making decisions, boost feel-good chemicals, helping you work through the pain. Do the favorite things that you used to do with your loved one! For example, go to your favorite restaurants or go to the movies. Do them by yourself or invite your family or friends. Initially, you may feel awkward or sad. Let yourself cry and talk about how you feel to those who care about you. They will empathize with you and give you the support you need.

Try Something New

A loss of a significant other requires adjustments in our lives. At first, you may feel lost and overwhelmed with regret and tempted to call your ex, begging for another chance. Those who lose someone to death don’t even have this chance. Take at least a couple of months before you contact your ex or start a new relationship. You need some time to think back and grow. Establishing a new routine takes time and effort. On average, a new habit takes 66 days to form.

As a starter, make a list of what you want to do, such as starting a new hobby. Learning new skills and knowledge involves the prefrontal cortex of the thinking brain. Using the thinking brain helps to stabilize your emotion by reducing the activity of the amygdala. Try reading for a new hobby. Reading will help relieve your pain.

These tips are not meant to forget your loved one, but rather to find a way to grow with your memories. We have evolved to have long-term memories to increase our chances of survival. Our memories are not fixed. We continue to rewrite our memories to guide our life decisions. Let your memories guide you to live a happier and more meaningful life!

Neuroscience of Love: How to Survive a long distance relationship (LDR)

neuroscience_on_love At some point, most international couples go through a long-distance relationship (LDR). An LDR is a unique state where you have a lover that is far away from you. We are drawn to a romantic relationship because we want a partner who will always be there for us. However, during our LDR, when we need someone to lean on, our lover is not there. Much of heartache actually come from each other’s absence. An LDR often gets tougher after the first reunion and re-separation because we are reminded of how much we missed each other’s warm touch.

From April 14 to 16, 2019, I conducted a survey of Korean women who are dating or married to foreigners about the biggest challenge of long distance relationships. Among 140 respondents, 50% chose the overall uncertainty of the future, 42% said loneliness, 6% said inadequate communication, and 2% said concern about cheating. It shows that the success of an LDR depends on coping with the anxiety of uncertainty and loneliness. Most of all, trust is essential. Know that you love each other. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have agreed to the long distance in the first place.

What are ways to survive a long-distance relationship?

Make Plans Together!

What keeps us together during our time apart is hope for a happy future together. Without that hope, we have no reason to endure the pain of long distance. Talk about what you want to do together the next time you meet. During my two years of LDR, my husband and I used to celebrate our belated birthdays together. We would buy ice cream cake and spend a romantic night at a hotel. As your relationship develops, you can also talk about the kind of life you want to build together. Planning makes you feel good by boosting the happy hormone of dopamine. In addition, having plans relieves anxiety about uncertainty.

Make Each Other Smile!

A key hormone that makes us feel connected is oxytocin. In fact, oxytocin is called the “love hormone.” It also relieves anxiety by calming the amygdala, the part of the brain that triggers anxiety. Physical touch quickly boosts oxytocin. That is why we feel closer to our lover when they hold our hand, kiss, hug, or cuddle us. There are many other ways to boost oxytocin. Oxytocin is released when we feel loved or appreciated. Do things that will put a smile on each other’s face. Tell them how much you love them and why. Praise them for their good qualities. Thank them for their care for you. Send hand-written cards and gifts. Any expression of affection is the cement that solidifies your relationship.

Make Regular Calls!

Schedule times for regular communication. Seeing and hearing each other can raise dopamine levels. Even looking at photos of loved ones increases dopamine. During my LDR, I used to talk to my husband on the phone for 30 minutes on my lunch break on weekdays and video-chat for six hours or longer on the weekends. Also, send selfies and messages occasionally to express your affection. But, don’t expect them to respond right away. They may be busy, tired, or not feeling well.

To discuss an issue that might lead to an argument, use a video call, not texting. To minimize the possibility of misunderstanding, you need to see their facial expressions and body movement and hear their voice. Use email as a supplement because email helps to organize your thoughts and feelings. Be honest. Don’t expect them to read your mind. If you feel insecure about their feelings for you, say so and why you feel that way.

Make Dates Online!

Use your creativity to make new fond memories. Have a long-distance movie date by watching a movie or show together on Netflix. Plan a romantic date. You can both prepare a special meal for yourself with a drink – maybe wine for romance. Dress up. Light scented candles. Turn on music that you both enjoy. And then start a video call. Or, you can even go out for a date. Pick a place. One of you will go there and start a video call. During my LDR, I went to a cherry blossom festival, called my husband on Skype, and shared what I was seeing in real time.

Make Time for Yourself!

Think of an LDR as a step to build a better future together. For a happy relationship, you both need to have your own life. Keep a common goal in mind, but also think about what you want in your life – your career, hobbies/interests. Self-development is crucial to your own happiness and to your relationship. Dopamine levels naturally go down, as your relationship develops. Dopamine and positive feelings are the brain’s attempt to drive actions that help our survival. When the brain notices something new, it releases dopamine to motivate you to check it out. When there is nothing new, dopamine levels stay low, leading to boredom. Boredom is the biggest threat to a relationship. Develop new sides of yourself and surprise your lover! Keep them excited about you. That is the best way to protect your love.

Neuroscience of Love: How to Handle Prejudice against International Couples

neuroscience_on_love Seeing foreigners and international couples on the streets of Korea has become common. Over two million foreign nationals live in Korea. Annually, over 20,000 Koreans tie the knot with people from other countries. There are also Korean celebrities who have married internationally. They include Korean film director Kim Tae-yong and Chinese actress Tang Wei, Korean actress Choo Ja-hyun and Chinese actor Yu Xiaoguang, and Korean actress Im Sung-min and American professor Michael Unger. In addition, every year, 20 million foreign tourists visit Korea, and 30 million Koreans travel abroad. As interaction with different nationalities is increasing, prejudice against international couples is decreasing.

From April 4 to 7, 2019, I conducted a survey of Korean women who are dating or married to foreigners about whether they have experienced any discrimination within the last year. Among 171 participants, 32% answered not at all. However, a majority said they experienced unpleasant stares or judgmental whispers. Such responses are more common in smaller towns than in big cities and for Korean-black couples than for Korean-white or Asian couples. Although blatant discrimination is uncommon on the streets, international couples in Korea are still often subject to sexist mockery and hostile comments online.

What are ways to handle prejudice against international couples?

Focus Your Attention on Your Lover

People’s stares get on our nerves because the amygdala, the natural defense system in the brain, sends us a warning signal. For our ancient ancestors, their life depended on their ability to sense the stare of predators. Although such dangers are long gone, the amygdala, a part of the primitive brain, retains its sensitivity to stares. We tend to exaggerate stares. Even when people are not actually looking at us, we often believe they are.

When sensing a stare, we feel compelled to look toward that direction and automatically start wondering ‘why they are looking at me.’ Just accept the fact that they are looking at you and move your attention back to your lover. It is highly unlikely that the starer will attack you. They will just pass by.

Talk about Discrimination

The brain uses stereotypes and habits to save energy because it runs 24/7, 365 days a year. Its top priority is to ensure our survival. When encountering strangers, the brain makes initial judgement within milliseconds: ‘Can I trust them?’ Stereotypes play a big role in first impressions. For survival, avoiding danger is vital, so we tend to remember negative stereotypes more than positive ones.

Having negative stereotypes or prejudice is not an indication of a bad nature, but rather of ignorance. When we are surrounded by people from the same culture, we perceive stereotypes about other groups as common knowledge and never think much of it. Intercultural couples have more opportunities to recognize the stereotypes that they have as well as their lover and people around them have. It is natural to feel agitated when we are confronted with discriminatory comments or behaviors. Use Dr. Helen Riess’s ABC Empathy technique. Acknowledge that everyone has stereotypes. Take deep Breaths to calm down. Engage your Curiosity to listen to others with an open mind.

For example, some Caucasians may not know why the slant-eye gesture insults Koreans and other Asians. Likewise, Koreans don’t understand why calling a foreigner a foreigner, not their name, can be upsetting. During the Japanese Occupation period, Koreans also felt insulted by Japanese calling them Korean. As proud as we are of being a member of our group, we also want to be respected as a unique individual. We feel offended when someone treats us as identical to someone else and thus easily replaceable. The first step to breaking stereotypes is to learn about each other.

Ignore Internet Trolls

To internet trolls, who we are doesn’t matter. Their prejudice doesn’t come from us – they don’t even know us, but from anxiety and fear in their minds. Excess stress hormones are the cause of tunnel vision, hyper-vigilance, and hostility. Negative emotions usually come from our survival instinct. Men have an instinct to pass on their genes. It is common for men to be overly protective of the women in their group. Those who feel threatened tend to belittle the men of other groups, while exaggerating their sexuality as a main source of competition. This tendency is well-described in Frantz Fanon’s Black Skin, White Masks.

We cannot change the minds of trolls. Reacting to their trolling is meaningless. Just delete their comments and move on. The brain’s biggest fear is being excluded and isolated. As the general society’s tolerance of diversity increases and discrimination is condemned, trolls will have no choice but to rethink their prejudice.

The root of prejudice is fear. If we respond to prejudice with anger, it only reinforces the prejudice. Remember it takes time and effort to change prejudice. Share your positive stories as an international couple. Let people know that foreigners and international couples are also like them: we are all humans who want to love and be loved and live happily. Eventually, fear and prejudice will give way to empathy.

※ If you are interested in prejudice from a neuroscience perspective, I highly recommend Dr. Laurence Sherman’s lecture, “You and Your Racist Brain: the Neuroscience of Prejudice,” available on Youtube.

Neuroscience of Love: How to Manage Arguments in a Relationship

Hyunjin Jenna “What are the difficulties of being an intercultural couple?” This is the question I was asked most often in my numerous media interviews over the last ten years. It seems logical to assume that differences in language and culture would cause tension. When handled properly, arguments are a healthy thing. The fantasy of effortless love can actually damage a relationship.

From March 21 to 24, 2019, I conducted a survey of Korean women in romantic intercultural relationships about their main reasons for arguments. Among 137 participants, a whopping 75% said it was misunderstanding due to cultural or personality differences, 10% said low quality or quantity of communication, 10% said exes or female friends, and only 5% said language differences. Many wrote that cultural and personality differences are reflected in their communication styles, causing misunderstanding.

korean-american couple In Korean and some other Asian cultures, context is more important than what is being said. On the other hand, in North American and some European cultures, language takes priority. This difference sometimes causes an unexpected misunderstanding. For example, the English expression “If you want” is meant to respect another person’s opinion. For a Korean, it could be interpreted as a reluctant acceptance, which deserves to be respected as a polite rejection. When asked “What do you want to eat/do?” Koreans may say “Whatever you want” to respect your preference. They also expect you to respect theirs: ‘consider what we would both want.’

Regardless of the specific reasons, relationship conflict stems from the frustration of not being understood. Then, what are good ways to argue that strengthen the relationship?

Think about What Makes You Feel That Way.

Emotion arises from the combination of how you feel and how you interpret a situation. Your physical and mental condition affects your interpretation of the same situation. First, check your condition: Am I tired? Am I hungry? Am I under stress? And before you get into an argument, think about what makes you feel bad. Speak to yourself or write whatever you want to say to him/her. But, don’t send what you wrote. Or, talk to someone about your concerns. Watching a sad movie and crying can also help. Crying releases serotonin, helping to soothe your emotions. Once you feel calm, consider what you want: work on the relationship, breakup, or postpone the decision. Remember that love is ultimately for your own happiness and well-being.

Explain How You Feel and Why

To get your lover to understand you, explain specifically how you feel and why. We have a natural ability to empathize with others. Harvard Medical School Professor Helen Riess calls it “empathic capacity.” When we see someone, especially those we feel close to, experience pain, the same areas of our brain are activated, creating a shared mind experience. That is why our heart aches when our loved one is in distress. For empathy to work, you need to provide specific information that helps your lover imagine your situation.

Use your natural capacity for empathy to learn how he/she feels and why. Intercultural couples with different languages have another layer of frustration due to limits in their ability to express themselves. Dr. Riess’s ABC empathy technique comes in handy: Acknowledge your and his/her emotions. Take deep Breaths to manage your reaction. And engage your Curiosity to understand him/her. A feeling of being understood relieves much of the tension.

Set a Time for the Argument

If you sense an argument getting out of hand, call a time-out. If either of you feels your heart beating faster, face flushing, or muscles tensing, it means an adrenaline rush is driving you to a fight-or-flight response. You are likely to say things that you will regret. Because the prefrontal cortex of the thinking brain isn’t working properly, you are likely to focus on tiny details, such as his/her tone of voice or choice of words.

Set a time to continue the conversation. At least sleep on it. Sleep restores your ability to empathize by releasing dopamine and endorphins. The best time to resume the conversation will be a time when you both are relaxed. Have brunch or coffee and dessert together because eating boosts serotonin, moderating intense emotions. Also, physical touch, such as hugs and kisses, and smiles boost the love hormone oxytocin, increasing patience for each other. Timing is key to productive arguments!

Use Small Requests and Praise

What ticks us off is usually the frustration of being ignored: “How many times have I told you? Why don’t you just do it?” In fact, willpower isn’t enough to change habits. Those who turn their diet plan or New Year’s Resolution into lifestyle habits are a rare minority. To change habits, there must be enough serotonin in the brain’s prefrontal cortex for decision-making and enough dopamine in the striatum for habit formation.

If you want your lover to change his/her behavior, choose one specific habit that bothers you the most and ask him/her to do one easy thing. Be patient! You are trying to change his/her brain. Habits take an average of 66 days and up to 254 days to form. Nagging has only a temporary effect of getting immediate attention. Use praise instead. Praise has a more lasting effect on motivating him/her to repeat the action you want.

Neuroscience of Love: How to Keep Love Strong

neuroscience_on_love “Does he love me?” This is the question I heard most often while consulting on intercultural couples’ relationships for over the past ten years. In the past, Koreans couldn’t understand the idea of seeing each other before establishing exclusivity. Korean women were very wary of being played. About five years ago, new words appeared to reflect the changing dating culture: Some (썸), woman person friend (여자 사람 친구), and man person friend (남자 사람 친구). “Some” means a causal relationship before becoming a boyfriend-girlfriend. Woman/Man person friend means a non-romantic friend of the opposite sex.

However, many Koreans still question whether a friendship is possible between a man and a woman. Many Korean women feel uncomfortable about their foreign boyfriend/husband’s interaction with other Korean women – whether they are a classmate, a teacher/tutor, a yoga trainer, a language exchange partner, a coworker, or a neighbor. The reason why a lover’s opposite-sex friend (for heterosexuals) gets on our nerves is the anxiety of losing the significant other.

Anxiety arises from the activation of the amygdala within the limbic system, which is known as the mammalian brain. As indicated in the name, this part of the brain is shared by all mammals, including cats and dogs. It is an automatic defense system that detects potential danger and sends a warning signal in real time. Anxiety is a warning signal that the brain sends us to protect our survival.

For humans, reliable companions, such as family and friends, are critical to our survival. It is natural to feel anxious about those who can potentially steal our no.1 companion. However, mismanaged anxiety can ruin a promising relationship. When anxious, we get hyper-sensitive to minor change in our lover’s communication habits and social interactions. A concern for cheating often leads to interrogation, complaints, and even attempts to violate his/her autonomy. Unfortunately, a feeling of being on a tight leash makes people want to escape.

Then, what are better ways to manage anxiety for a happy relationship?

Take Out “Me” and Think from his/her Perspective

Because we cannot measure the size of love by a ruler, we often use the quantity and quality of contact and the speed of response for a sign. When the level of communication fails to meet our personal standard, we begin to worry about dwindling love. Like other animals, people are by nature self-centered. We tend to put ourselves at the center of our thinking.

When you notice change in communication with your lover, think first in his/her position. “Is he/she busy?” “Is he/she under stress?” “Is he/she tired?” Our mental energy is limited like cellphone batteries. When tired or stressed, we have little energy left to care for others. In such situations, we don’t have energy to process complaints and instead want to be cared for. Give him/her a long (20 secs or more) hug, kisses, or caring words, which trigger the release of the love hormone oxytocin.

Just Say You Feel Insecure, instead of Acting Cool

If we pretend to be cool when we are actually not, the amygdala will only raise the volume of its alarm. The brain’s primary goal is to protect our survival, so it sets off the alarm at the slightest hint of a potential threat. First, accept your anxiety and then think about what makes you anxious. The act of thinking soothes the nerves to some degree. However, when anxious, the brain tends to focus on negative information and skews uncertain information negatively. If something bothers you about your lover’s relationship with someone, just say so. Give him/her a chance to explain himself/herself. The conversation will help you determine if his/her close friend is a real threat and help ease your tension.

Set a Boundary for Friendships

To minimize unnecessary arguments, set a boundary for friendships. From March 11 to 13, 2019, I conducted a survey of Korean women about their boundary for friendships with opposite-sex friends. Among 201 participants, 41% answered that they are okay with their boyfriend/husband meeting female friends if they are informed in advance, 33% leave it up to their boyfriend/husband, and 17% are okay with their boyfriend/husband maintaining friendships with female friends on SNS. Only 9% answered female friends are unacceptable. Additionally, many wrote that a one-on-one meeting with an opposite-sex friend, besides old friends, is unacceptable. Instead of restricting relationships based on sex, negotiate a reasonable boundary for friendships.

Focus on Your Relationship

The best shield against cheating is strengthening your relationship. Ultimately, love is for our own happiness. Happiness discourages your lover from engaging in actions that may harm his/her relationship with you. We feel happy when the brain releases happiness hormones, such as serotonin, dopamine, or endorphin. When we feel happy, we associate the happiness with the person we are with at the moment.

The brain is wired to seek love, praise, and food because they are critical to human survival. Praise motivates us to repeat actions that are likely to be praised. For this reason, dopamine is also called a motivation hormone. So, when your lover does something that makes you happy, praise him/her generously. Just the normal routine of eating together also boosts dopamine and endorphins. In addition, happy memories increase serotonin, shielding your love and happiness against any threat!

Build self-esteem

Anxiety about losing a lover often stems from a lack of self-esteem. With low self-esteem, you constantly worry about whether and when your lover would find someone more attractive and leave you. You end up seeking constant affirmation of love and trying to test his/her love. There is no one but you who can build that esteem. If you feel anxious about losing your lover, make more time for yourself by learning something new or pursuing a hobby. Time well-spent for yourself will certainly increase your charm!

This column is also available in Korean. 이 칼럼은 한국어로도 제공되고 있습니다: https://blog.naver.com/sum-lab/221493818135

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