At some point, most international couples go through a long-distance relationship (LDR). An LDR is a unique state where you have a lover that is far away from you. We are drawn to a romantic relationship because we want a partner who will always be there for us. However, during our LDR, when we need someone to lean on, our lover is not there. Much of heartache actually come from each other’s absence. An LDR often gets tougher after the first reunion and re-separation because we are reminded of how much we missed each other’s warm touch.

From April 14 to 16, 2019, I conducted a survey of Korean women who are dating or married to foreigners about the biggest challenge of long distance relationships. Among 140 respondents, 50% chose the overall uncertainty of the future, 42% said loneliness, 6% said inadequate communication, and 2% said concern about cheating. It shows that the success of an LDR depends on coping with the anxiety of uncertainty and loneliness. Most of all, trust is essential. Know that you love each other. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have agreed to the long distance in the first place.

What are ways to survive a long-distance relationship?

Make Plans Together!

What keeps us together during our time apart is hope for a happy future together. Without that hope, we have no reason to endure the pain of long distance. Talk about what you want to do together the next time you meet. During my two years of LDR, my husband and I used to celebrate our belated birthdays together. We would buy ice cream cake and spend a romantic night at a hotel. As your relationship develops, you can also talk about the kind of life you want to build together. Planning makes you feel good by boosting the happy hormone of dopamine. In addition, having plans relieves anxiety about uncertainty.

Make Each Other Smile!

A key hormone that makes us feel connected is oxytocin. In fact, oxytocin is called the “love hormone.” It also relieves anxiety by calming the amygdala, the part of the brain that triggers anxiety. Physical touch quickly boosts oxytocin. That is why we feel closer to our lover when they hold our hand, kiss, hug, or cuddle us. There are many other ways to boost oxytocin. Oxytocin is released when we feel loved or appreciated. Do things that will put a smile on each other’s face. Tell them how much you love them and why. Praise them for their good qualities. Thank them for their care for you. Send hand-written cards and gifts. Any expression of affection is the cement that solidifies your relationship.

Make Regular Calls!

Schedule times for regular communication. Seeing and hearing each other can raise dopamine levels. Even looking at photos of loved ones increases dopamine. During my LDR, I used to talk to my husband on the phone for 30 minutes on my lunch break on weekdays and video-chat for six hours or longer on the weekends. Also, send selfies and messages occasionally to express your affection. But, don’t expect them to respond right away. They may be busy, tired, or not feeling well.

To discuss an issue that might lead to an argument, use a video call, not texting. To minimize the possibility of misunderstanding, you need to see their facial expressions and body movement and hear their voice. Use email as a supplement because email helps to organize your thoughts and feelings. Be honest. Don’t expect them to read your mind. If you feel insecure about their feelings for you, say so and why you feel that way.

Make Dates Online!

Use your creativity to make new fond memories. Have a long-distance movie date by watching a movie or show together on Netflix. Plan a romantic date. You can both prepare a special meal for yourself with a drink – maybe wine for romance. Dress up. Light scented candles. Turn on music that you both enjoy. And then start a video call. Or, you can even go out for a date. Pick a place. One of you will go there and start a video call. During my LDR, I went to a cherry blossom festival, called my husband on Skype, and shared what I was seeing in real time.

Make Time for Yourself!

Think of an LDR as a step to build a better future together. For a happy relationship, you both need to have your own life. Keep a common goal in mind, but also think about what you want in your life – your career, hobbies/interests. Self-development is crucial to your own happiness and to your relationship. Dopamine levels naturally go down, as your relationship develops. Dopamine and positive feelings are the brain’s attempt to drive actions that help our survival. When the brain notices something new, it releases dopamine to motivate you to check it out. When there is nothing new, dopamine levels stay low, leading to boredom. Boredom is the biggest threat to a relationship. Develop new sides of yourself and surprise your lover! Keep them excited about you. That is the best way to protect your love.