Neuroscience of Love: How to Make a Good First Impression on the First Date

neuroscience_on_love A first date is nerve-wracking. Encountering anything new causes a certain level of anxiety because we don’t know what we are getting into. Uncertainty increases stress hormones, preparing the body to respond to the situation ahead. Romantic love actually starts at high cortisol levels, so our heart is pounding. The reason we still feel happy is because attraction to someone reduces the activity of the amygdala, a natural alarm in the brain, while the happiness chemical dopamine increases.

The brain has evolved to make snap judgments of other people to ensure our safety. Dr. Alexander Todorov at Princeton University, an expert in first impressions, found that people evaluate whether someone is trustworthy in 0.1 second when meeting someone new. Dr. Amy Cuddy also found that we only notice whether someone is competent after judging their trustworthiness. To be attracted to someone, we first need to build trust. Thus, the goal of the first date should be to build trust and connection, rather than impress each other.

From May 3 to 5, 2019, I conducted a survey of women between their 20s and 40s about what attracted them to their partner on their first date. Among 162 participants, 36% said they found their partner attractive because of their thoughtful consideration for them, 26% said similar personality or perspectives, 21% said attractive appearance, and 15% said common interests or hobbies. Only 2% said it was because of their job or money. Then, what are the ways to make a good first impression on the first date?

Plan Ahead

Making plans adds certainty. It decreases anxiety and increases confidence. Think of a few places in mind where you can do something besides talk. If it requires a reservation, talk to your date in advance. But, mix in an unexpected surprise! The brain has a love and hate relationship with the unknown. While it prefers familiarity for safety, it gets rewarded with an extra dopamine boost when embracing uncertainty. The brain has evolved this way because adaptability to a new environment is the key to our survival.

Bring your date to a place they may appreciate – for example, an awesome dessert café. A surprise and a delicious dessert are a great combination for a dopamine boost. A jazz club is another great candidate for romantic ambiance. Like food, music helps boost dopamine. Intercultural couples also prefer places where they can introduce each other to their culture. One of the first places my husband brought me to was a café that had a variety of card and board games. He taught me how to play UNO. While we were having fun, he asked me questions, such as what kind of movies I like. A week or two later, he suggested a movie date, saying that he found a movie I might like.

Smile & Style

Smiling is a powerful way to relax both of you. A smile helps boost dopamine and serotonin in both of your brains, calming the amygdala. When we see someone smiling at us, we tend to smile back. The brain is wired to mimic others’ facial expressions for better understanding. It happens in 0.3 seconds so we often don’t notice ourselves doing so. Smiling sets the tone for a pleasant conversation by easing the nerves.

Styling is also important for a good first impression. Prepare for the special occasion, showing that you take the meeting seriously. Dress nicely. Wearing makeup gives an edge to guys. Apply a makeup base/primer, a foundation, or a BB cream to even out the skin tone. Putting on deodorant or a light perfume/cologne also helps. A good smell adds charm. Unlike other senses, smell can reach the cerebral cortex without passing the thalamus, a gateway to the cerebral cortex where sensory information is interpreted. What that means is a smell can make a positive or negative impression before your date even sees or hears you. Bad breath or body odor can immediately ruin your first impression.

Find Commonalities

Finding commonalities is the key to creating a connection. The brain is naturally drawn to familiarity because familiar often means safe. Commonalities help us build trust. As trust is formed, the amygdala is calmed down. Before the first date, do some research on the person you are about to meet and find possible commonalities. Check out their social media or ask a mutual friend. Use your knowledge to start a conversation. For example, if you both seem to love pets, ask if they have a pet. If you seem to share the same hobby, ask what they like to do in their free time.

Differences draw attention. Noticing something different or unusual was crucial to human survival. However, whether we perceive the newness as attractive or threatening depends on our interpretation. Elements of familiarity reduce anxiety, enabling us to appreciate differences. I met my American husband in graduate school in the United States. He walked up to me with a smile and said “An-nyung-ha-say-o” – Hello in Korean. He added that he just returned home after spending a year in Korea, my home country. He immediately set himself apart from others. Commonalities are the seeds of trust, laying the groundwork for a relationship.

Express Your Feelings

A rejection or expectation of rejection causes pain by activating the same part of the brain as physical pain. Avoiding pain is an instinct. To get them to ask you out again, send the right signals. On our first date, my husband said “Dang-sin-ul A-joo Joa-ham-ni-da” – I like you very much in Korean. Without hesitation, I responded, “You are the most attractive man I have ever met.” Playing hard-to-get doesn’t work well, especially for intercultural couples. Your message must be clear. To get love, use the LOVE technique! In his book, the Like Switch, Dr. Jack Schafer, a former FBI behavioral analyst, suggests LOVE (Listen, Observe, Vocalize, and Empathize) as a key strategy for successful relationship building.

(L) Listening shows that you are interested in learning about them. Put away your phone, maintain eye contact, and ask questions to learn more about what they are excited to talk about. (O) Observe their movement. If they look bored, it is time to make a change. You may be talking too much without giving them a chance to talk or talking about something they have no interest in. Pay attention to the way you (V) Vocalize, the tone of your voice. Keep a friendly tone. And finally, (E) Empathize with what they are saying.

Neuroscience of Love: How to Survive a long distance relationship (LDR)

neuroscience_on_love At some point, most international couples go through a long-distance relationship (LDR). An LDR is a unique state where you have a lover that is far away from you. We are drawn to a romantic relationship because we want a partner who will always be there for us. However, during our LDR, when we need someone to lean on, our lover is not there. Much of heartache actually come from each other’s absence. An LDR often gets tougher after the first reunion and re-separation because we are reminded of how much we missed each other’s warm touch.

From April 14 to 16, 2019, I conducted a survey of Korean women who are dating or married to foreigners about the biggest challenge of long distance relationships. Among 140 respondents, 50% chose the overall uncertainty of the future, 42% said loneliness, 6% said inadequate communication, and 2% said concern about cheating. It shows that the success of an LDR depends on coping with the anxiety of uncertainty and loneliness. Most of all, trust is essential. Know that you love each other. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have agreed to the long distance in the first place.

What are ways to survive a long-distance relationship?

Make Plans Together!

What keeps us together during our time apart is hope for a happy future together. Without that hope, we have no reason to endure the pain of long distance. Talk about what you want to do together the next time you meet. During my two years of LDR, my husband and I used to celebrate our belated birthdays together. We would buy ice cream cake and spend a romantic night at a hotel. As your relationship develops, you can also talk about the kind of life you want to build together. Planning makes you feel good by boosting the happy hormone of dopamine. In addition, having plans relieves anxiety about uncertainty.

Make Each Other Smile!

A key hormone that makes us feel connected is oxytocin. In fact, oxytocin is called the “love hormone.” It also relieves anxiety by calming the amygdala, the part of the brain that triggers anxiety. Physical touch quickly boosts oxytocin. That is why we feel closer to our lover when they hold our hand, kiss, hug, or cuddle us. There are many other ways to boost oxytocin. Oxytocin is released when we feel loved or appreciated. Do things that will put a smile on each other’s face. Tell them how much you love them and why. Praise them for their good qualities. Thank them for their care for you. Send hand-written cards and gifts. Any expression of affection is the cement that solidifies your relationship.

Make Regular Calls!

Schedule times for regular communication. Seeing and hearing each other can raise dopamine levels. Even looking at photos of loved ones increases dopamine. During my LDR, I used to talk to my husband on the phone for 30 minutes on my lunch break on weekdays and video-chat for six hours or longer on the weekends. Also, send selfies and messages occasionally to express your affection. But, don’t expect them to respond right away. They may be busy, tired, or not feeling well.

To discuss an issue that might lead to an argument, use a video call, not texting. To minimize the possibility of misunderstanding, you need to see their facial expressions and body movement and hear their voice. Use email as a supplement because email helps to organize your thoughts and feelings. Be honest. Don’t expect them to read your mind. If you feel insecure about their feelings for you, say so and why you feel that way.

Make Dates Online!

Use your creativity to make new fond memories. Have a long-distance movie date by watching a movie or show together on Netflix. Plan a romantic date. You can both prepare a special meal for yourself with a drink – maybe wine for romance. Dress up. Light scented candles. Turn on music that you both enjoy. And then start a video call. Or, you can even go out for a date. Pick a place. One of you will go there and start a video call. During my LDR, I went to a cherry blossom festival, called my husband on Skype, and shared what I was seeing in real time.

Make Time for Yourself!

Think of an LDR as a step to build a better future together. For a happy relationship, you both need to have your own life. Keep a common goal in mind, but also think about what you want in your life – your career, hobbies/interests. Self-development is crucial to your own happiness and to your relationship. Dopamine levels naturally go down, as your relationship develops. Dopamine and positive feelings are the brain’s attempt to drive actions that help our survival. When the brain notices something new, it releases dopamine to motivate you to check it out. When there is nothing new, dopamine levels stay low, leading to boredom. Boredom is the biggest threat to a relationship. Develop new sides of yourself and surprise your lover! Keep them excited about you. That is the best way to protect your love.

Neuroscience of Love: How to Handle Prejudice against International Couples

neuroscience_on_love Seeing foreigners and international couples on the streets of Korea has become common. Over two million foreign nationals live in Korea. Annually, over 20,000 Koreans tie the knot with people from other countries. There are also Korean celebrities who have married internationally. They include Korean film director Kim Tae-yong and Chinese actress Tang Wei, Korean actress Choo Ja-hyun and Chinese actor Yu Xiaoguang, and Korean actress Im Sung-min and American professor Michael Unger. In addition, every year, 20 million foreign tourists visit Korea, and 30 million Koreans travel abroad. As interaction with different nationalities is increasing, prejudice against international couples is decreasing.

From April 4 to 7, 2019, I conducted a survey of Korean women who are dating or married to foreigners about whether they have experienced any discrimination within the last year. Among 171 participants, 32% answered not at all. However, a majority said they experienced unpleasant stares or judgmental whispers. Such responses are more common in smaller towns than in big cities and for Korean-black couples than for Korean-white or Asian couples. Although blatant discrimination is uncommon on the streets, international couples in Korea are still often subject to sexist mockery and hostile comments online.

What are ways to handle prejudice against international couples?

Focus Your Attention on Your Lover

People’s stares get on our nerves because the amygdala, the natural defense system in the brain, sends us a warning signal. For our ancient ancestors, their life depended on their ability to sense the stare of predators. Although such dangers are long gone, the amygdala, a part of the primitive brain, retains its sensitivity to stares. We tend to exaggerate stares. Even when people are not actually looking at us, we often believe they are.

When sensing a stare, we feel compelled to look toward that direction and automatically start wondering ‘why they are looking at me.’ Just accept the fact that they are looking at you and move your attention back to your lover. It is highly unlikely that the starer will attack you. They will just pass by.

Talk about Discrimination

The brain uses stereotypes and habits to save energy because it runs 24/7, 365 days a year. Its top priority is to ensure our survival. When encountering strangers, the brain makes initial judgement within milliseconds: ‘Can I trust them?’ Stereotypes play a big role in first impressions. For survival, avoiding danger is vital, so we tend to remember negative stereotypes more than positive ones.

Having negative stereotypes or prejudice is not an indication of a bad nature, but rather of ignorance. When we are surrounded by people from the same culture, we perceive stereotypes about other groups as common knowledge and never think much of it. Intercultural couples have more opportunities to recognize the stereotypes that they have as well as their lover and people around them have. It is natural to feel agitated when we are confronted with discriminatory comments or behaviors. Use Dr. Helen Riess’s ABC Empathy technique. Acknowledge that everyone has stereotypes. Take deep Breaths to calm down. Engage your Curiosity to listen to others with an open mind.

For example, some Caucasians may not know why the slant-eye gesture insults Koreans and other Asians. Likewise, Koreans don’t understand why calling a foreigner a foreigner, not their name, can be upsetting. During the Japanese Occupation period, Koreans also felt insulted by Japanese calling them Korean. As proud as we are of being a member of our group, we also want to be respected as a unique individual. We feel offended when someone treats us as identical to someone else and thus easily replaceable. The first step to breaking stereotypes is to learn about each other.

Ignore Internet Trolls

To internet trolls, who we are doesn’t matter. Their prejudice doesn’t come from us – they don’t even know us, but from anxiety and fear in their minds. Excess stress hormones are the cause of tunnel vision, hyper-vigilance, and hostility. Negative emotions usually come from our survival instinct. Men have an instinct to pass on their genes. It is common for men to be overly protective of the women in their group. Those who feel threatened tend to belittle the men of other groups, while exaggerating their sexuality as a main source of competition. This tendency is well-described in Frantz Fanon’s Black Skin, White Masks.

We cannot change the minds of trolls. Reacting to their trolling is meaningless. Just delete their comments and move on. The brain’s biggest fear is being excluded and isolated. As the general society’s tolerance of diversity increases and discrimination is condemned, trolls will have no choice but to rethink their prejudice.

The root of prejudice is fear. If we respond to prejudice with anger, it only reinforces the prejudice. Remember it takes time and effort to change prejudice. Share your positive stories as an international couple. Let people know that foreigners and international couples are also like them: we are all humans who want to love and be loved and live happily. Eventually, fear and prejudice will give way to empathy.

※ If you are interested in prejudice from a neuroscience perspective, I highly recommend Dr. Laurence Sherman’s lecture, “You and Your Racist Brain: the Neuroscience of Prejudice,” available on Youtube.

Neuroscience of Love: How to Manage Immigration in International Relationships

neuroscience_on_love What do you think the biggest challenge is for international couples? From March 28 to 31, 2019, I conducted a survey of Korean women who are dating or married to foreigners. Among 259 participants, a staggering 70% said it was immigration, 14% said cultural and linguistic differences, 9% said long-distance relationships, 4% said stereotypes, and 3% said family objections. For international couples, immigration is necessary to be with their loved one, who happens to be from another country. Clearly, it is a big life transition.

Getting a visa after tedious paperwork is exciting news. However, while the spouse at home is excitedly counting down the days until they see each other, the spouse about to immigrate is often struck with split emotions. As excited as they are about the long-waited reunion, they feel sad about leaving their family, friends, and their life in their home country. They also begin to feel nervous about whether they will fit in and what they can do in their home-to-be.

As the initial excitement fades, the couple will face challenges ahead. The immigrant spouse has to learn new life skills, including language, culture, and all kinds of knowledge for everyday life. We learn those skills from parents, teachers, and friends while growing up in our home country. The immigrant spouse feels pressured to get those skills as quickly as possible. Meanwhile, their spouse usually has to shoulder the burden of two people, including financial support. The different positions can lead to mutual disappointment at each other’s lack of understanding. What are ways to overcome the challenges of marriage immigration?

Use Immigration as a Chance to Create a ‘New Me’

Much of the emotional distress of immigration comes from the feeling of losing the self. When seeing their spouse going to work, the immigrant spouse sometimes can’t help feeling jealousy, regret, and resentment. ‘Why is it just me who has to sacrifice? If it wasn’t for you, I would be working and advancing my career in my country.’ Accept how you feel. It is natural to think about who you were and what you could be doing in your former home. Then, try to think this way: immigration is a chance to pursue your interests and become a new person. Make a list of the things you want to try or learn.

My husband JJ Graham, featured in Korean Arirang TV news

If you want to continue your former career, get a degree or a license to allow you to do so. Or, try something new. Our brain keeps the ability to learn new things throughout our lives. Based on the 10,000-Hour Rule, in just 3~4 years, you can become a veteran in a new field by investing 8~10 hours a day. Take my marriage for example. I am a digital nomad, doing what I love to do – writing, social marketing, and market research for Korean and international clients. All this began with a Korean-language blog I started 11 years ago after my immigration to the USA. My husband, who used to be a professor of communication in the USA and Korea, is now living the life of a professional actor and commercial model that he started five years ago, at age 40. Trust your ability to transform yourself at any time!

Praise and Thank Each Other

Adjustments after marriage and immigration are challenges for both sides of an international couple. Remember! You both made the commitment to a life together. You are a lifetime team. Just like when you were dating, show your affection and interest in each other. Pay close attention to and praise your spouse’s efforts to adjust. Positive attention and praise boost dopamine, encouraging each other to keep trying.

Thanking each other is also important. To be thankful, you need to think about the positive side of your life – the care that your spouse gives you. Appreciation increases serotonin, a natural mood booster. When thanked, your spouse will get a dopamine boost, leaving him/her feeling good and motivated to do more for you. Also, make sure you give smiles and hugs. Your lover is likely to smile and hug you back. Then, the love hormone oxytocin will be released, making you feel more connected and more driven to take care of each other.

Respect Homesickness

Occasional homesickness is normal. Homesickness helped our ancestors survive by discouraging them from leaving familiar people and familiar places. At the same time, it was their bravery to venture out and their amazing adaptability in a wide range of environments that made our ancestors prevail. Believe in your ability to adjust!

What turns homesickness into a problem is comparison. When you try to compare yourself and your life at your new home with your old one, you can evoke a slew of negative emotions, regretting your decision to immigrate and even resenting your spouse for putting you in that situation. It leads to your spouse feeling guilty about messing up your life. A vicious cycle begins to ruin the relationship.

When not comparing, thinking about fond memories of home will actually help ease the stress of transition. Happy memories boost serotonin, lifting the mood. Eat food from your country and listen to music you used to enjoy back home. Watch TV shows produced in your home country. Also, talk with people in similar situations for comfort and advice. When you need an extra boost, visit your family or invite your family to your new home.

Take Mini-steps to Build New Relationships.

We miss our home country mainly because we miss the familiar and thus comfortable environment and relationships with people. To feel comfortable in your new home, you need to familiarize yourself with the new environment and build relationships with people there. Take mini-steps to build relationships in your new home country. You could just sit and watch people at a coffee shop. Someone might talk to you or you could initiate a conversation. Taking language courses or college classes is also useful for getting necessary skills and creating relationships. Or, find local communities that share your interests.

Immigration doesn’t take your home, family, or old friends away. With immigration, you are given the privilege to build two sets of family, friends, and home. Eventually, experiences and relationships at your new home will change your brain, changing the way you think and feel. You may feel like you don’t belong anywhere. In fact, you have the ability to belong anywhere with your strengthened power to adapt – a competitive advantage in today’s globalized society.

Neuroscience of Love: How to Keep Love Strong

neuroscience_on_love “Does he love me?” This is the question I heard most often while consulting on intercultural couples’ relationships for over the past ten years. In the past, Koreans couldn’t understand the idea of seeing each other before establishing exclusivity. Korean women were very wary of being played. About five years ago, new words appeared to reflect the changing dating culture: Some (썸), woman person friend (여자 사람 친구), and man person friend (남자 사람 친구). “Some” means a causal relationship before becoming a boyfriend-girlfriend. Woman/Man person friend means a non-romantic friend of the opposite sex.

However, many Koreans still question whether a friendship is possible between a man and a woman. Many Korean women feel uncomfortable about their foreign boyfriend/husband’s interaction with other Korean women – whether they are a classmate, a teacher/tutor, a yoga trainer, a language exchange partner, a coworker, or a neighbor. The reason why a lover’s opposite-sex friend (for heterosexuals) gets on our nerves is the anxiety of losing the significant other.

Anxiety arises from the activation of the amygdala within the limbic system, which is known as the mammalian brain. As indicated in the name, this part of the brain is shared by all mammals, including cats and dogs. It is an automatic defense system that detects potential danger and sends a warning signal in real time. Anxiety is a warning signal that the brain sends us to protect our survival.

For humans, reliable companions, such as family and friends, are critical to our survival. It is natural to feel anxious about those who can potentially steal our no.1 companion. However, mismanaged anxiety can ruin a promising relationship. When anxious, we get hyper-sensitive to minor change in our lover’s communication habits and social interactions. A concern for cheating often leads to interrogation, complaints, and even attempts to violate his/her autonomy. Unfortunately, a feeling of being on a tight leash makes people want to escape.

Then, what are better ways to manage anxiety for a happy relationship?

Take Out “Me” and Think from his/her Perspective

Because we cannot measure the size of love by a ruler, we often use the quantity and quality of contact and the speed of response for a sign. When the level of communication fails to meet our personal standard, we begin to worry about dwindling love. Like other animals, people are by nature self-centered. We tend to put ourselves at the center of our thinking.

When you notice change in communication with your lover, think first in his/her position. “Is he/she busy?” “Is he/she under stress?” “Is he/she tired?” Our mental energy is limited like cellphone batteries. When tired or stressed, we have little energy left to care for others. In such situations, we don’t have energy to process complaints and instead want to be cared for. Give him/her a long (20 secs or more) hug, kisses, or caring words, which trigger the release of the love hormone oxytocin.

Just Say You Feel Insecure, instead of Acting Cool

If we pretend to be cool when we are actually not, the amygdala will only raise the volume of its alarm. The brain’s primary goal is to protect our survival, so it sets off the alarm at the slightest hint of a potential threat. First, accept your anxiety and then think about what makes you anxious. The act of thinking soothes the nerves to some degree. However, when anxious, the brain tends to focus on negative information and skews uncertain information negatively. If something bothers you about your lover’s relationship with someone, just say so. Give him/her a chance to explain himself/herself. The conversation will help you determine if his/her close friend is a real threat and help ease your tension.

Set a Boundary for Friendships

To minimize unnecessary arguments, set a boundary for friendships. From March 11 to 13, 2019, I conducted a survey of Korean women about their boundary for friendships with opposite-sex friends. Among 201 participants, 41% answered that they are okay with their boyfriend/husband meeting female friends if they are informed in advance, 33% leave it up to their boyfriend/husband, and 17% are okay with their boyfriend/husband maintaining friendships with female friends on SNS. Only 9% answered female friends are unacceptable. Additionally, many wrote that a one-on-one meeting with an opposite-sex friend, besides old friends, is unacceptable. Instead of restricting relationships based on sex, negotiate a reasonable boundary for friendships.

Focus on Your Relationship

The best shield against cheating is strengthening your relationship. Ultimately, love is for our own happiness. Happiness discourages your lover from engaging in actions that may harm his/her relationship with you. We feel happy when the brain releases happiness hormones, such as serotonin, dopamine, or endorphin. When we feel happy, we associate the happiness with the person we are with at the moment.

The brain is wired to seek love, praise, and food because they are critical to human survival. Praise motivates us to repeat actions that are likely to be praised. For this reason, dopamine is also called a motivation hormone. So, when your lover does something that makes you happy, praise him/her generously. Just the normal routine of eating together also boosts dopamine and endorphins. In addition, happy memories increase serotonin, shielding your love and happiness against any threat!

Build self-esteem

Anxiety about losing a lover often stems from a lack of self-esteem. With low self-esteem, you constantly worry about whether and when your lover would find someone more attractive and leave you. You end up seeking constant affirmation of love and trying to test his/her love. There is no one but you who can build that esteem. If you feel anxious about losing your lover, make more time for yourself by learning something new or pursuing a hobby. Time well-spent for yourself will certainly increase your charm!

This column is also available in Korean. 이 칼럼은 한국어로도 제공되고 있습니다: https://blog.naver.com/sum-lab/221493818135

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