A first date is nerve-wracking. Encountering anything new causes a certain level of anxiety because we don’t know what we are getting into. Uncertainty increases stress hormones, preparing the body to respond to the situation ahead. Romantic love actually starts at high cortisol levels, so our heart is pounding. The reason we still feel happy is because attraction to someone reduces the activity of the amygdala, a natural alarm in the brain, while the happiness chemical dopamine increases.

The brain has evolved to make snap judgments of other people to ensure our safety. Dr. Alexander Todorov at Princeton University, an expert in first impressions, found that people evaluate whether someone is trustworthy in 0.1 second when meeting someone new. Dr. Amy Cuddy also found that we only notice whether someone is competent after judging their trustworthiness. To be attracted to someone, we first need to build trust. Thus, the goal of the first date should be to build trust and connection, rather than impress each other.

From May 3 to 5, 2019, I conducted a survey of women between their 20s and 40s about what attracted them to their partner on their first date. Among 162 participants, 36% said they found their partner attractive because of their thoughtful consideration for them, 26% said similar personality or perspectives, 21% said attractive appearance, and 15% said common interests or hobbies. Only 2% said it was because of their job or money. Then, what are the ways to make a good first impression on the first date?

Plan Ahead

Making plans adds certainty. It decreases anxiety and increases confidence. Think of a few places in mind where you can do something besides talk. If it requires a reservation, talk to your date in advance. But, mix in an unexpected surprise! The brain has a love and hate relationship with the unknown. While it prefers familiarity for safety, it gets rewarded with an extra dopamine boost when embracing uncertainty. The brain has evolved this way because adaptability to a new environment is the key to our survival.

Bring your date to a place they may appreciate – for example, an awesome dessert café. A surprise and a delicious dessert are a great combination for a dopamine boost. A jazz club is another great candidate for romantic ambiance. Like food, music helps boost dopamine. Intercultural couples also prefer places where they can introduce each other to their culture. One of the first places my husband brought me to was a café that had a variety of card and board games. He taught me how to play UNO. While we were having fun, he asked me questions, such as what kind of movies I like. A week or two later, he suggested a movie date, saying that he found a movie I might like.

Smile & Style

Smiling is a powerful way to relax both of you. A smile helps boost dopamine and serotonin in both of your brains, calming the amygdala. When we see someone smiling at us, we tend to smile back. The brain is wired to mimic others’ facial expressions for better understanding. It happens in 0.3 seconds so we often don’t notice ourselves doing so. Smiling sets the tone for a pleasant conversation by easing the nerves.

Styling is also important for a good first impression. Prepare for the special occasion, showing that you take the meeting seriously. Dress nicely. Wearing makeup gives an edge to guys. Apply a makeup base/primer, a foundation, or a BB cream to even out the skin tone. Putting on deodorant or a light perfume/cologne also helps. A good smell adds charm. Unlike other senses, smell can reach the cerebral cortex without passing the thalamus, a gateway to the cerebral cortex where sensory information is interpreted. What that means is a smell can make a positive or negative impression before your date even sees or hears you. Bad breath or body odor can immediately ruin your first impression.

Find Commonalities

Finding commonalities is the key to creating a connection. The brain is naturally drawn to familiarity because familiar often means safe. Commonalities help us build trust. As trust is formed, the amygdala is calmed down. Before the first date, do some research on the person you are about to meet and find possible commonalities. Check out their social media or ask a mutual friend. Use your knowledge to start a conversation. For example, if you both seem to love pets, ask if they have a pet. If you seem to share the same hobby, ask what they like to do in their free time.

Differences draw attention. Noticing something different or unusual was crucial to human survival. However, whether we perceive the newness as attractive or threatening depends on our interpretation. Elements of familiarity reduce anxiety, enabling us to appreciate differences. I met my American husband in graduate school in the United States. He walked up to me with a smile and said “An-nyung-ha-say-o” – Hello in Korean. He added that he just returned home after spending a year in Korea, my home country. He immediately set himself apart from others. Commonalities are the seeds of trust, laying the groundwork for a relationship.

Express Your Feelings

A rejection or expectation of rejection causes pain by activating the same part of the brain as physical pain. Avoiding pain is an instinct. To get them to ask you out again, send the right signals. On our first date, my husband said “Dang-sin-ul A-joo Joa-ham-ni-da” – I like you very much in Korean. Without hesitation, I responded, “You are the most attractive man I have ever met.” Playing hard-to-get doesn’t work well, especially for intercultural couples. Your message must be clear. To get love, use the LOVE technique! In his book, the Like Switch, Dr. Jack Schafer, a former FBI behavioral analyst, suggests LOVE (Listen, Observe, Vocalize, and Empathize) as a key strategy for successful relationship building.

(L) Listening shows that you are interested in learning about them. Put away your phone, maintain eye contact, and ask questions to learn more about what they are excited to talk about. (O) Observe their movement. If they look bored, it is time to make a change. You may be talking too much without giving them a chance to talk or talking about something they have no interest in. Pay attention to the way you (V) Vocalize, the tone of your voice. Keep a friendly tone. And finally, (E) Empathize with what they are saying.