What do you think the biggest challenge is for international couples? From March 28 to 31, 2019, I conducted a survey of Korean women who are dating or married to foreigners. Among 259 participants, a staggering 70% said it was immigration, 14% said cultural and linguistic differences, 9% said long-distance relationships, 4% said stereotypes, and 3% said family objections. For international couples, immigration is necessary to be with their loved one, who happens to be from another country. Clearly, it is a big life transition.

Getting a visa after tedious paperwork is exciting news. However, while the spouse at home is excitedly counting down the days until they see each other, the spouse about to immigrate is often struck with split emotions. As excited as they are about the long-waited reunion, they feel sad about leaving their family, friends, and their life in their home country. They also begin to feel nervous about whether they will fit in and what they can do in their home-to-be.

As the initial excitement fades, the couple will face challenges ahead. The immigrant spouse has to learn new life skills, including language, culture, and all kinds of knowledge for everyday life. We learn those skills from parents, teachers, and friends while growing up in our home country. The immigrant spouse feels pressured to get those skills as quickly as possible. Meanwhile, their spouse usually has to shoulder the burden of two people, including financial support. The different positions can lead to mutual disappointment at each other’s lack of understanding. What are ways to overcome the challenges of marriage immigration?

Use Immigration as a Chance to Create a ‘New Me’

Much of the emotional distress of immigration comes from the feeling of losing the self. When seeing their spouse going to work, the immigrant spouse sometimes can’t help feeling jealousy, regret, and resentment. ‘Why is it just me who has to sacrifice? If it wasn’t for you, I would be working and advancing my career in my country.’ Accept how you feel. It is natural to think about who you were and what you could be doing in your former home. Then, try to think this way: immigration is a chance to pursue your interests and become a new person. Make a list of the things you want to try or learn.

My husband JJ Graham, featured in Korean Arirang TV news

If you want to continue your former career, get a degree or a license to allow you to do so. Or, try something new. Our brain keeps the ability to learn new things throughout our lives. Based on the 10,000-Hour Rule, in just 3~4 years, you can become a veteran in a new field by investing 8~10 hours a day. Take my marriage for example. I am a digital nomad, doing what I love to do – writing, social marketing, and market research for Korean and international clients. All this began with a Korean-language blog I started 11 years ago after my immigration to the USA. My husband, who used to be a professor of communication in the USA and Korea, is now living the life of a professional actor and commercial model that he started five years ago, at age 40. Trust your ability to transform yourself at any time!

Praise and Thank Each Other

Adjustments after marriage and immigration are challenges for both sides of an international couple. Remember! You both made the commitment to a life together. You are a lifetime team. Just like when you were dating, show your affection and interest in each other. Pay close attention to and praise your spouse’s efforts to adjust. Positive attention and praise boost dopamine, encouraging each other to keep trying.

Thanking each other is also important. To be thankful, you need to think about the positive side of your life – the care that your spouse gives you. Appreciation increases serotonin, a natural mood booster. When thanked, your spouse will get a dopamine boost, leaving him/her feeling good and motivated to do more for you. Also, make sure you give smiles and hugs. Your lover is likely to smile and hug you back. Then, the love hormone oxytocin will be released, making you feel more connected and more driven to take care of each other.

Respect Homesickness

Occasional homesickness is normal. Homesickness helped our ancestors survive by discouraging them from leaving familiar people and familiar places. At the same time, it was their bravery to venture out and their amazing adaptability in a wide range of environments that made our ancestors prevail. Believe in your ability to adjust!

What turns homesickness into a problem is comparison. When you try to compare yourself and your life at your new home with your old one, you can evoke a slew of negative emotions, regretting your decision to immigrate and even resenting your spouse for putting you in that situation. It leads to your spouse feeling guilty about messing up your life. A vicious cycle begins to ruin the relationship.

When not comparing, thinking about fond memories of home will actually help ease the stress of transition. Happy memories boost serotonin, lifting the mood. Eat food from your country and listen to music you used to enjoy back home. Watch TV shows produced in your home country. Also, talk with people in similar situations for comfort and advice. When you need an extra boost, visit your family or invite your family to your new home.

Take Mini-steps to Build New Relationships.

We miss our home country mainly because we miss the familiar and thus comfortable environment and relationships with people. To feel comfortable in your new home, you need to familiarize yourself with the new environment and build relationships with people there. Take mini-steps to build relationships in your new home country. You could just sit and watch people at a coffee shop. Someone might talk to you or you could initiate a conversation. Taking language courses or college classes is also useful for getting necessary skills and creating relationships. Or, find local communities that share your interests.

Immigration doesn’t take your home, family, or old friends away. With immigration, you are given the privilege to build two sets of family, friends, and home. Eventually, experiences and relationships at your new home will change your brain, changing the way you think and feel. You may feel like you don’t belong anywhere. In fact, you have the ability to belong anywhere with your strengthened power to adapt – a competitive advantage in today’s globalized society.