Neuroscience of Love: How to Keep Love Strong

neuroscience_on_love“Does he love me?” This is the question I heard most often while consulting on intercultural couples’ relationships for over the past ten years. In the past, Koreans couldn’t understand the idea of seeing each other before establishing exclusivity. Korean women were very wary of being played. About five years ago, new words appeared to reflect the changing dating culture: Some (썸), woman person friend (여자 사람 친구), and man person friend (남자 사람 친구). “Some” means a causal relationship before becoming a boyfriend-girlfriend. Woman/Man person friend means a non-romantic friend of the opposite sex.

However, many Koreans still question whether a friendship is possible between a man and a woman. Many Korean women feel uncomfortable about their foreign boyfriend/husband’s interaction with other Korean women – whether they are a classmate, a teacher/tutor, a yoga trainer, a language exchange partner, a coworker, or a neighbor. The reason why a lover’s opposite-sex friend (for heterosexuals) gets on our nerves is the anxiety of losing the significant other.

Anxiety arises from the activation of the amygdala within the limbic system, which is known as the mammalian brain. As indicated in the name, this part of the brain is shared by all mammals, including cats and dogs. It is an automatic defense system that detects potential danger and sends a warning signal in real time. Anxiety is a warning signal that the brain sends us to protect our survival.

For humans, reliable companions, such as family and friends, are critical to our survival. It is natural to feel anxious about those who can potentially steal our no.1 companion. However, mismanaged anxiety can ruin a promising relationship. When anxious, we get hyper-sensitive to minor change in our lover’s communication habits and social interactions. A concern for cheating often leads to interrogation, complaints, and even attempts to violate his/her autonomy. Unfortunately, a feeling of being on a tight leash makes people want to escape.

intercultural relationshipThen, what are better ways to manage anxiety for a happy relationship?

  1. Take Out “Me” and Think from his/her Perspective

Because we cannot measure the size of love by a ruler, we often use the quantity and quality of contact and the speed of response for a sign. When the level of communication fails to meet our personal standard, we begin to worry about dwindling love. Like other animals, people are by nature self-centered. We tend to put ourselves at the center of our thinking.

When you notice change in communication with your lover, think first in his/her position. “Is he/she busy?” “Is he/she under stress?” “Is he/she tired?” Our mental energy is limited like cellphone batteries. When tired or stressed, we have little energy left to care for others. In such situations, we don’t have energy to process complaints and instead want to be cared for. Give him/her a long (20 secs or more) hug, kisses, or caring words, which trigger the release of the love hormone oxytocin.

  1. Just Say You Feel Insecure, instead of Acting Cool

If we pretend to be cool when we are actually not, the amygdala will only raise the volume of its alarm. The brain’s primary goal is to protect our survival, so it sets off the alarm at the slightest hint of a potential threat. First, accept your anxiety and then think about what makes you anxious. The act of thinking soothes the nerves to some degree. However, when anxious, the brain tends to focus on negative information and skews uncertain information negatively. If something bothers you about your lover’s relationship with someone, just say so. Give him/her a chance to explain himself/herself. The conversation will help you determine if his/her close friend is a real threat and help ease your tension.

  1. Set a Boundary for Friendships

To minimize unnecessary arguments, set a boundary for friendships. From March 11 to 13, 2019, I conducted a survey of Korean women about their boundary for friendships with opposite-sex friends. Among 201 participants, 41% answered that they are okay with their boyfriend/husband meeting female friends if they are informed in advance, 33% leave it up to their boyfriend/husband, and 17% are okay with their boyfriend/husband maintaining friendships with female friends on SNS. Only 9% answered female friends are unacceptable. Additionally, many wrote that a one-on-one meeting with an opposite-sex friend, besides old friends, is unacceptable. Instead of restricting relationships based on sex, negotiate a reasonable boundary for friendships.

  1. Focus on Your Relationship

The best shield against cheating is strengthening your relationship. Ultimately, love is for our own happiness. Happiness discourages your lover from engaging in actions that may harm his/her relationship with you. We feel happy when the brain releases happiness hormones, such as serotonin, dopamine, or endorphin. When we feel happy, we associate the happiness with the person we are with at the moment.

The brain is wired to seek love, praise, and food because they are critical to human survival. Praise motivates us to repeat actions that are likely to be praised. For this reason, dopamine is also called a motivation hormone. So, when your lover does something that makes you happy, praise him/her generously. Just the normal routine of eating together also boosts dopamine and endorphins. In addition, happy memories increase serotonin, shielding your love and happiness against any threat!

  1. Build self-esteem

Anxiety about losing a lover often stems from a lack of self-esteem. With low self-esteem, you constantly worry about whether and when your lover would find someone more attractive and leave you. You end up seeking constant affirmation of love and trying to test his/her love. There is no one but you who can build that esteem. If you feel anxious about losing your lover, make more time for yourself by learning something new or pursuing a hobby. Time well-spent for yourself will certainly increase your charm!

This column is also available in Korean. 이 칼럼은 한국어로도 제공되고 있습니다: https://blog.naver.com/sum-lab/221493818135

 

Standard

To Find True Love, Question your Gut Feelings!

love

My hubby and Me on the 14th anniversary of our first date

I will write a weekly article about intercultural relationship. For the last 11 years, I have dedicated myself to reducing stereotypes about intercultural couples, contributing to increasing acceptance of cultural and ethnic diversity in Korea. Due to the belief in a one-race nation, intercultural couples in Korea were stigmatized. In January 2008, I started blogging about intercultural relationships. A year later, I created an online community for Korean women who are in romantic relationships with foreign men. It became the largest online community for intercultural couples in my country.

Many Korean women have come to me for advice about their relationships with their foreign boyfriends or husbands. In my weekly articles, I will share the most common issues that intercultural couples experience and my advice about those issues. One of the biggest concerns that Korean women have at the beginning of a relationship is whether they are being taken seriously or being played with. We call the latter the “Enjoy (Partner).” Although not all relationships need to end in marriage, Korean women want to establish exclusivity early on and prefer a relationship that puts marriage on the table.

At the beginning of a relationship, Korean women are wary of “Yellow Fever,” or the Asian Fetish. They are concerned about whether foreign men pursue them out of genuine attraction, or out of a sexual fantasy about Asian women. Having a preference for certain physical characteristics is okay, but we all want to be loved for who we are, not for being a member of a specific racial category.

Many Korean women are unsettled by their boyfriends’ interactions with other women, especially with exes or other young Korean women. Staying in contact with exes or keeping their pictures on the computer is seen as a threat. A refusal to cut off contact or delete pictures is seen as a sign of continued feelings. In extreme cases, some request their boyfriends to get permission before meeting any women. There is common advice that Korean women give to each other, “Trust your gut. If a man makes you doubt, he is not into you.”

A gut feeling comes from the prefrontal cortex’s interpretation of emotional responses triggered by the amygdala or the Lizard Brain. To ensure our survival, the Lizard Brain reacts to any potential danger. Then, the prefrontal cortex makes judgments about the perceived danger by drawing from past memories in the hippocampus, the brain’s hard drive. What we need to know about memories is that they are malleable rather than fixed. Neuroscientist Dr. Alex Korb suggests that our memories are put together from bits and pieces every time we recall them. Our emotion at the time of recall skew our memories to the positive or negative.

In fear, we are likely to paint our memories negatively and find cues that support our concern. That is, we are likely to find reasons to worry and invite jealousy into our minds. At the core of our doubt in relationships is often fear. Kristen Ulmer explains in her book the Art of Fear that the fear of abandonment lies behind accusations, immature anger, and unreasonable demands between couples.

Building a relationship is about building trust. Uncertainty at the beginning of a relationship is certain. The unknown has two sides. It excites us and scares us at the same time. Cherish the flutter you get and trust each other. Having a watchful eye on a partner never helps a relationship. Nobody wants to be accused, questioned, and watched. Arguments, accusations, and surveillance will make anyone unhappy and ruin potentially great relationships. Question your gut feelings. Your gut feelings or suspicion may turn out to be true. If they betray your trust, they don’t deserve your love anyway. Either way, question your gut feelings! If we let gut feelings rule our lives, we will lose the chances for great things – new opportunities and relationships.

Standard

Start a Good Habit to Create an Upward Spiral!

Today is Friday. After a full week of work, it is understandable to experience low energy. I started my day with meditating, washing the dishes, and cooking breakfast as usual. Although nothing was out of the ordinary, I felt low on energy, which made me feel irritable and less patient. Starting the day on low energy puts us in a vulnerable position because we have to squeeze out our last bits of energy just to get through the day. Then, we tend to perceive any minor change as a nuisance because handling the unexpected is taxing on the brain. Habits or routines run automatically, not involving the prefrontal cortex or the Thinking Brain, but change demands the brain to think.

Emotional management is critical to our productivity and happiness. Negative emotions can soak up our mental energy. It also starts a downward spiral that damages our work, health, and relationships – the three most important things to our happiness. Emotions are highly contagious, affecting those we care about. Today, my kitties also seemed to sense that I was in a bad mood. They stayed unusually quiet and didn’t demand playtime. In his book “the Upward Spiral,” Dr. Alex Korb suggests that small changes in our lifestyle can rewire the brain and create an upward spiral.

Our emotions are the results of communication between the limbic system and the prefrontal cortex. Dr. Korb calls the limbic system “the Feeling Brain” and the prefrontal cortex “the Thinking Brain.” The No.1 priority of the brain is to keep us alive. So, the Feeling Brain gets scared easily and the Thinking Brain gets worried easily. In general, the brain is wired to pay more attention to negative information than positive because it is better to be safe than sorry.

Emotions are there to ensure our survival by driving us to act. When the Feeling Brain gets anxious or scared, the Thinking Brain can calm it down. We don’t have conscious control over the Feeling Brain, but we do over the Thinking Brain. Unfortunately, the Thinking Brain gets tired easily, so it is stingy with its energy. To nudge the brain to work with us for our goals, we need to treat it strategically.

Here are some tips to create the Upward Spiral that I learned from Dr. Alex Korb’s book, the Upward Spiral.

  1. Sleep well. Sleep cleans the brain and increases dopamine and endorphins, strengthening memory, lowering stress, and boosting mood.
  2. Hug someone or pet furry friends. We are social animals. Physical contact comforts us by releasing feelgood chemicals – oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins.
  3. Take a walk. Movement or exercise strengthens the brain and increases serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine, lifting mood and enhancing stress resilience.
  4. Focus on what you can control. Feeling in control puts us at ease. Forget about results or the future. Just see what you can do here and now and do it.
  5. Make a decision and proceed. Indecisiveness wastes limited brain resources, tiring you out. Making a decision itself eases the nerves. Do one thing for you a day!

Please like my page and find your own inspiration: https://www.facebook.com/onethingformeaday/

Standard

Use Fear as Fuel!

Yesterday, I skipped posting on my blog but still completed my One Thing for Me a Day. I started the day with meditation, rode the stationary bike for 30 minutes, and cleaned the house. At night, I binge ate a Margarita pizza, strawberries, and apples. The binge eating helped me feel happier and motivated today. Don’t feel guilty when you slip up. As long as you don’t let the slip-up stop you from forming new habits, you are still on track.

The single emotion that catches me the most has been fear. In her book the Art of Fear, Kristen Ulmer, known as the most fearless woman extreme skier, suggests that we are so addicted to who we believe we are that we are afraid of deviating from that fixed identity. Initially, our habits form our identities. If we act certain ways enough times, those behavioral patterns feel natural to us. Then, we form our own sense of ourselves – who we are and who we are not.

From early childhood, I loved to read and write, so I saw myself as a reader and writer, but not as a speaker. As a matter of fact, I was mute during most of my adolescence. Many of my classmates believed that I was physically incapable of speaking. My teachers would ask me why I wouldn’t speak. I didn’t know the answer and thought I might have trauma that I don’t remember. Now, I have a good guess. There were probably moments when I didn’t know what to say and remained quiet. It repeated enough times that I began to feel that it would be strange if I spoke.

What eventually pushed me out of my shell was a strong desire to share my ideas. I was driven to talk about my ideas. Desire stumped fear. I raised my hand whenever professors asked for presenters. Later, I would regret it, “What did I get myself into?” However, I repeated the same thing over and over again. I put myself into uncomfortable situations where I could not back out. For the last 10 years, I have participated in TV talk shows and numerous interviews, lectured to large audiences, and discovered my talent in building a quick rapport with strangers.

Although I changed a lot, fear is still part of my life. Fear is a natural emotion that all animals have to survive. Our emotional responses are triggered by the amygdala, which Seth Godin calls “the Lizard Brain.” The amygdala or Lizard Brain is a 500-million-year-old structure that all animals share. It creates emotional responses to call on the body to take appropriate action. Fear is the most fundamental emotion for survival. To protect our lives, fear drives us to take action – fight, flight, or freeze.

What makes humans distinctive is the youngest part of the brain called the prefrontal cortex. We humans have the proportionally largest prefrontal cortex of all mammals. After receiving emotional responses from the amygdala, the prefrontal cortex interprets the information and makes judgments and decisions. What it means is that we cannot control our first emotional reaction but we have the power to change our feelings.

The lizard brain is a wimp and slacker. It loves the status-quo and certainty. It refuses to budge until an imminent danger triggers off an emergency alarm. To the lizard brain, uncertainty is scary and certainty is comfy and irresistible. So, in fear, we procrastinate and look for all kinds of excuses to not change. Kristen Ulmer emphasizes the key to overriding fear is to embrace it. Accept that you are scared and switch your focus from resisting fear to thinking about what scares you – the situation at hand. Then, you can think about your next move.

american shorthairOnce we take the first action, fear quickly subsides. Our large prefrontal cortex sometimes makes us overthink. Follow what cats (or dogs) do! When my kitties hear an unusual sound, they get up to see if there is a real danger. In our lives, change involves accepting things that are unfamiliar, unknown, and thus scary. As Kristen Ulmer says, fear is a sign that we are on the right track for growth. Use fear as fuel. Fear is fuel. Forget who you think you are. Make a new self! Habits will make us become who we want to be. Soothe your fear by simply doing One Thing for You a Day!

Please like my page and find your own inspiration: https://www.facebook.com/onethingformeaday/

Standard

Use the Binary Mind to Conquer your Fear!

As expected, I am getting busier with work. When I got up today, I felt a bit overwhelmed. “I have a lot of work to do. How can I find time to write my blog article?” In the shower, I thought of the Pomodoro Technique that I learned from many self-help books. It is a time management technique that uses a timer to set time blocks for each of our tasks. The goal is to complete a task within the set timeframe. I decided to set two hours for each of my tasks. This technique helped put me at ease and focus my full attention on my tasks. In the end, I completed each task, including writing a blog article, in two hours.

The biggest change that One Thing for Me a Day has made in my life is that I can get started, regardless of my level of motivation, physical condition, or emotional state. Although I felt heavy this morning, I still meditated and rode a stationary bike. Once I got on the bike, I continued for 30 minutes. The exercise led me to shower, and the shower awakened my body and mind. In his book, “How to Be an Imperfectionist,” Stephen Guise, one of my biggest inspirations, emphasizes the power of action over thinking. Action changes our feelings, much more than thinking does.

Stephen Guise suggests that perfectionism pulls us back and stunts our growth by causing anxiety and self-doubt and preventing us from starting. On the other hand, imperfectionism nudges us to get started by switching focus from results to process. I have long pursued the unattainable dream of a perfectionist. It is a common tendency among Korean people. In Korean culture, there are core social values known as “saving face” and “losing face.” We are taught to look our best at all times. We lose face when we make mistakes. And we are more likely to be criticized for mistakes than praised for accomplishments.

I was often afraid to try something new because I didn’t know if I could do well or not. However, to grow and achieve goals, we need to start and then see what happens! When we are trying anything new or pursuing new goals, there is no way to know what is going to happen. Actually, that is the fun of life. The flip-side of uncertainty is possibility. Stephen Guise also suggests that our action is driven by the battle between fear and desire. If fear stumps desire, we procrastinate. His secret to overcoming fear and procrastination is the binary mindset, along with small goals. Rate your action with only two numbers, 0 or 1. If you did, it’s a 1 (success). If you didn’t, it’s a 0 (fail). As long as you take action, you win.

When I first started my One Thing for Me a Day project, I set super-easy goals, as inspired by Stephen Guise’s Mini Habits. My only goal was to do just one thing for me a day. However, the low pressure freed me from perfectionism, leading me to do much more. I thought I would write only a few sentences on my Facebook page to keep track of my daily action(s), but I am writing one blog article every day in Korean and English. I also draw an image to go with my article. Because of the fear of being not good enough, I hesitated to draw again after I stopped drawing almost 20 years ago. Now, I write and draw every day. I will continue and see what happens!

Please like my page and find your own inspiration: https://www.facebook.com/onethingformeaday/

Standard

Create Social Pressure that Will Push you to Change!

breakfastToday, I broke my fast at 9 a.m. after 36 hours. The fasting didn’t make me hungrier than usual. I had a two-egg scramble with asparagus, Brussels sprouts, chickpeas, and cheddar cheese, and some fresh mozzarella and strawberries on the side. I wanted to replenish my body with rich protein and vitamins. I also had a cafe latte spiced with cinnamon, which helps to lower blood sugar and prevent weight gain.

I started getting a headache around 18 hours after starting the fast. Although the headache was minor, it persisted for a day. A 12-hour fast helps to not gain weight, while a 16- or longer-hour fast helps to lose weight. To prevent headaches, I will proceed with the 16/8 intermittent fasting schedule, eating only within an 8-hour daily window, occasionally. I have been doing the 12-hour fast daily for two weeks – no snacking after dinner.

2 weeksSince 2019 began, I have been meditating, exercising, and writing every day, and cooking at home most days. In the past two weeks, my weight is down from 53kg (117 lbs) to 51kg (112 lbs). Today’s weight is after the 36-hour fast, so I expect it to go up a bit. Because my focus is forming a habit, not reaching a specific weight loss goal, I do not weigh myself every day.

Although I am not motivated every day, I have been able to stick to my New Year’s Resolutions. The biggest help behind my success so far is social media. I do not want to see empty days on my Facebook page or blogs. I also compete with my hubby, who keeps track of his New Year’s Resolutions on a whiteboard where he draws stars after completing his activities.

Benjamin Hardy, the author of “Willpower Doesn’t Work,” emphasizes creating the right environment to nudge you to act toward your goals. Our environment forms our lives, but we also have the power to change our environment. Even minor change in our environment can lead to big changes in our minds and eventually in our lives.

He also suggests that pessimism leads to a victim mentality while optimism spurs us to take charge of our own lives. Despite the uncertainty of the future, we need to believe in ourselves in order to change ourselves and achieve our goals. Uncertainty is scary, but also exciting. If we do nothing, it is almost certain that nothing will happen. If we do something, we have a chance for the change we want.

Here is the gist of what I learned about creating a positive environment for positive change from Benjamin Hardy’s book:

  1. Share your goals and progress on social media. Creating social pressure will help you stick to your goals.
  2. Set a morning routine around the most important things. Focus on your priorities.
  3. Stay close to positive people. Stay clear of negative people. The people you spend your time with will change the way you think and the way you live.

I set midnight as my deadline for my One Thing for Me a Day project. The time stamp of each post pushes me to finish writing by the deadline. Although nothing is certain, I know that writing regularly is key to growing as a writer. So, I will continue!

Please like my page and find your own inspiration: https://www.facebook.com/onethingformeaday/

Standard

Try Fasting Occasionally for Your Brain

tantanmen

Tantanmen, Japanese noodles

Today, I woke up at noon. Yesterday, I went out on a date with my husband. As rewards for completing my One Thing for Me a Day project for a week, I had Tantan noodles for lunch at a Japanese ramen restaurant and a cheese enchilada, a shrimp taco, corn, and tortilla chips for dinner at a Tex-Mex restaurant. After I started this personal project, I began to think about what food or snacks are worth the carbs and sugar that switch my body to fat storage mode. So, I carefully choose what will most satisfy my taste buds on my weekly reward days. My lunch and dinner made me happy.

A heavy load of carbs and sugar makes organs work harder to digest, which seems to explain why I felt more tired and overslept. However, the sleep recharged my energy. I didn’t feel hungry so I decided to try a 36-hour fast. It has been 24 hours since I ate. Drinking water is important to brain function during fasting. Dehydration affects attention and cognitive function, damaging productivity. So, I have been drinking happy tea, a black tea infused with St. John’s Wort, an herb known for lifting mood.

Despite late rising and the fasting, I was pretty productive. Only a few hours after I awoke, I managed a client’s social media page, finished translating another client’s video script, and finished reading a book. My attention level was high. In his book the Complete Guide to Fasting, Dr. Jason Fung suggests that intermittent fasting helps us lose weight, slow down aging, prevent cancer, and increase brain function.

The process of fat-burning makes sense when we think about the brain’s priority: protecting our survival. Think about our ancestors who hunted and gathered to survive. Unlike today, food wasn’t always available. But, they still needed muscle to move their bodies and clear heads to search for food and escape from dangerous predators. Our body has evolved to store fat to use it when food is scarce.

Dr. Fung explains that the body burns fat, not muscle, until body fat goes down to under 4%. By burning fat, the body also creates ketones, which feed the brain. Ketones can meet up to 75% of the brain’s energy need, and the rest is met by gluconeogenesis, the creation of glucose from non-carbohydrate sources in the liver. During fasting, brain connectivity is increased and new brain cells are generated. Heightened brain function was critical to increase the chances of survival in the hunting and gathering days.

Dr. Fung says that an easy 12-hour fasting also helps to prevent weight gain. A 12-hour fast can be achieved by not snacking after dinner. However, to lose weight, a fasting period needs to be extended. Although I haven’t been eating for an entire day, I don’t feel too hungry. I rode the stationary bike for 30 minutes during the fasting. My energy level is just fine. But I have a slight headache. According to Dr. Fung, headaches are common during the first few times of fasting. Headaches are due to a lack of salt in the body, so drinking water with some salt may help. Drinking coffee or herbal tea with some fat (e.g., butter, coconut oil) during fasting is okay.

It’s my first time trying a 36-hour fast. I realized it wasn’t as difficult as I thought. I may try this again occasionally. Hopefully, my brain will be sharper tomorrow.

Please like my page and find your own inspiration: https://www.facebook.com/onethingformeaday/

 

Standard

Choose and Develop One Habit to Reach your Goal!

Today, I felt a bit antsy about getting a result. I have been riding the stationary bike and walking regularly for a month. I felt like I deserved a hot body already. In his famous TED talk speech, “Inside the mind of a master procrastinator” Tim Urban talks about the Instant Gratification Monkey and the Rational-Decision maker in the brain. The monkey often prevails over the rational guy. When we are not getting quick results, we tend to quickly get discouraged. This is the primary reason why many people fail to stick to their New Year’s Resolutions.

I want to focus on my actions, rather than the results, because I can only control my actions. However, sometimes, I can’t help but think about results. How can I re-orient my mind? I found a clue from Gary Keller’s book, “The One Thing: The Surprisingly Simple Truth behind Extraordinary Results.” He emphasizes choosing ONE most important thing and doing ONE thing to move toward that goal.

one thing

My Reward Day!

To reorient our minds from the trap of instant gratification, we need to focus on the ONE thing we want the most. What is the ONE thing that is the most important to me right now? I want to grow as a writer. My focus should also be on my progress as a writer. I have been writing every day in Korean and in English. And I have cut my per-post writing time down to under two hours. What pushed me to exercise and eat healthy was to get smarter, not to get a slim body.

Gary Keller suggests that the key to extraordinary results is to choose and develop one habit, based on our priorities. He also emphasizes the importance of time blocking, securing time each day to perform that habit. The ONE thing I should do to grow as a writer is to write regularly. My One Thing for Me a Day project helped me rediscover the joy of writing. I want to write and use my writing to empower myself and other people. I want to be an interpreter and disseminator of wisdom and knowledge to help people live happily by doing what they want to do.

I believe in the power of knowledge. Learning about neuroplasticity empowered me to pursue continuing growth and take on new challenges. I never imagined that I would pursue a dream of publishing a book in English. The first time I wrote in English was in my mid-20s when I studied for the TOEFL and GRE tests. My first English essay was no more than a block of jumbled words. Then, in 2004, I went overseas for the first time in my life to attend graduate school in the United States.

In 2006, I obtained my master’s degree in communication. After graduating, I worked as the editor-in-chief of the English-language magazine of a prominent Korean NGO. Two years later, my book on English writing was published by a major publisher in Korea. I have had an over-10-year career as a global communication consultant. My writing in English has helped many Koreans get accepted into graduate schools and get hired for global jobs. Now, I also do social marketing and market research for global organizations.

Although my confidence in my communication skills has grown over the years, publishing something in my second language of English didn’t enter my mind until I learned about neuroplasticity and Dr. Carol Dweck’s idea of the growth mindset. Knowledge has the power to change our minds, our habits, and eventually our lives.

Please like my page and find your own inspiration: https://www.facebook.com/onethingformeaday/

Standard

Do the 3Es + One Thing for You a Day!

Before I go to sleep each night, my One Thing for Me a Day project nudges me to think about what I will do the next day. So far, I have focused on meditation, exercise, and healthy eating because I want to optimize my brain and body for whatever it is that I want to do. Although I made this project public on January 1, 2019, I actually started it last December. After about a month, the three activities have become a regular part of my day. Now, I am ready to add new things. Today, I thought about what I want the most at this moment. I want to publish something for international audiences outside of my home country of Korea. What will help me achieve that goal?

My One Thing for Me a Day project gets me writing every day. Over the last ten days, I have been able to cut my per-post writing time down to under two hours. I want to bring it down to an hour because I am now getting busier with paid client projects. I usually stop my own writing, as I get busier writing for my clients. It is critical to think about what keeps us from sticking to our New Year’s Resolutions and find a way to fix it. How can I continue to write, while busy with my job? I found a clue in Kevin Kruse’s book, 15 Secrets Successful People Know about Time Management.

As Kruse emphasizes, we all have 1,440 minutes a day and need to use them productively to meet our goals. When we don’t use our time for our goals, we end up using it only for other people’s goals. The ideal situation is of course that we work for clients whose goals suit ours. I actually love what I do professionally: promoting tourism to the United States through social marketing and conducting market research for global companies. I want to do more of it! At the same time, I want to write what I personally want to write and use my writing to connect people across cultures.

An idea in Kruse’s book that appealed to me the most is to set a theme for each day of the week. I set Saturday as a writing day for a specific topic: intercultural relationships. I have been blogging about intercultural relationships for Korean audiences for over 11 years, since January of 2008. I also built the first and largest online community for Korean women who are in romantic intercultural relationships all over the world.

As the most prominent opinion leader on this topic, I have been interviewed numerous times by reporters, writers, university students, and government entities. I meet women on the street who come up to me and say things like “You saved my relationship and many other Korean women’s relationships!” I have been told many times from these women that they wish they could show what I have written to their foreign husbands or boyfriends. So, I will finally do it!

I will continue to write about One Thing for Me a Day on other days. This personal project has helped me tremendously to set priorities and make the most of my time. I have become much more attentive to how I spend my 1,440 minutes of each day. For maximum productivity, do the 3Es every day: Exercise, Eat Right, and Educate Yourself. Plus, Do One Thing for You a Day!

Please like my page and find your own inspiration: https://www.facebook.com/onethingformeaday/

Standard

Believe in Yourself to Stick to New Habits!

Today is the 10th day since I started my One Thing for Me a Day project. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. It may be because my sleep was disturbed by the doorbell. Regardless of the reason, I wasn’t motivated to carry on with my One Thing this morning. Fortunately, morning meditation has already become a new habit. I meditated to gather up enough willpower to get on the stationary bike. I ended up on the bike for 40 minutes – 10 minutes longer than usual. It boosted the pleasure hormone of endorphins in my body, casting off any negative self-talk.

At the beginning of the year, many people set their New Year’s Resolutions. Across cultures, we share the same desire: we want to become a happier, healthier, and better person. The most common resolutions include weight loss, exercise, healthier eating, and personal development. Although we all want to stick to our resolutions, a majority quit in the first month. Some fail even to get started. When we are full of motivation at the onset of the New Year, we set overly ambitious goals, which later overwhelm us and prevent us from starting. Instead, start with mini habits or easy warm-up activities, as Steven Guise suggests in his book Mini Habits. I overcame the first hurdle of my new start by lifting the pressure with my One Thing for Me a Day idea.

▲ Dinner I cooked today: salmon steak for my hubby and tortellini for me with asparagus and green beans. I am very new to cooking and have no idea of how to cook. All I care is that I cooked at home and all tasted good!

Once started, continuing with new habits is another journey. The nature of habits is belief in ourselves, says Japanese blogger and web coach Tadaaki Kobayashi in his book How to Stick to One Thing for a Long Period. He emphasizes that the key to form new habits is the belief that we can do it and that this action will change our lives. American philosopher William James said, “Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does.” Self-doubt is the biggest enemy of making new habits. This morning, I thought “What difference can I make with this project?” This kind of thought stopped me from continuing with my resolutions before.

Kobayashi also emphasizes not trusting motivation because it will dwindle with time or be swayed by emotions. Without actions, motivation won’t change anything. Whether motivated or not, actions will move us toward our goals. We need to find a way to continue our actions with or without motivation. One Thing for Me a Day is easy enough to continue, which is also consistent with Kobayashi’s suggestion to focus on the one most important thing each time. He also suggests thinking of many reasons to continue the new habits.

One Thing for Me a Day is to discover what I really want to do and to develop myself to become the person who can do what I want to do. I have been blogging in Korean for 11 years and the blogging led to two publications and the first and largest online community for intercultural couples in Korea. I was the main force who mainstreamed the once-stigmatized intercultural/racial couples in my country, which I am very proud of.

One of my next goals is to connect with international audiences and publish a book in English. I love reading and writing. I want to make the wisdom and knowledge that I learn from books more accessible to empower people around the world. One Thing for Me a Day pushes me to continue to write in Korean and in English. It also pushes me to build good habits. Yes, I have plenty of reasons to continue with this project.

Please like my page and find your own inspiration: https://www.facebook.com/onethingformeaday/

Standard