I married my American husband in 2006 and started my Korean language blog about our life as an intercultural couple in January, 2008. At the time, international, especially interracial couples were looked down upon in Korean society because of the old belief about Korea as a one-ethnic nation and the history of American GIs and Korean women in the 20^th century. Due to the strong prejudice, Korean women kept their relationship with foreign partners secret. I was the first Korean blogger on Naver to openly write about international relationships. I received many messages from Korean women who dated foreign men. I felt the need for a community for these women and created the first and now largest online community for Korean women in international relationships.

As the community grew, the media began to notice of this emerging population. Consequently, I was interviewed numerous times by major media outlets, authors, and students. Over the past ten years, prejudice against international relationships has been steadily reduced. Each year, over 20,000 Koreans marry someone from another country. In a recent survey by the Ministry of Gender Equality and Family and the Korean Women’s Development Institute, one out of ten Koreans see international marriages favorably. I asked the members of my community about how their parents reacted when they broke the news about their relationship to their parents.

The survey was conducted between May 26 and 28, 2019. Among 166 survey participants, 52% said they didn’t experience any objection. For the rest of the 48% that experienced objections, 19% was due to stereotypes about their partner’s country, religion, or race, 13% due to concerns about immigration, 8% due to their partner’s financial or career instability, and another 8% due to the linguistic and cultural barrier with their future son-in-law. Then, what are the ways to overcome family objections about international relationships?

Step 1: Use Stories to Ease Anxiety.

At the root of any stereotype is the fear of out-groups, those who are not like us. Our brain’s top priority is to ensure our survival. When we see something unfamiliar, the amygdala immediately sets off a warning alarm. Dr. Alexandra Golby at Harvard Medical School found that same-race faces are processed quicker than other-race faces. And Dr. Elizabeth Phelps, professor of neuroscience at Harvard, found a greater activation of the amygdala to other-race faces in comparison to same-race faces. These findings show that other-race faces trigger anxiety even before we recognize their faces.

As the amygdala triggers the alarm, stress hormones rise. Stress reduces our ability to think flexibly and drives us to rely on stereotypes. Stereotypes are created when we consciously try to find reasons for the fear that the amygdala triggered. The brain can find as many reasons to dislike someone as we want, ranging from nationality, race, religion, look, to job. Regardless of the specific reasons for their objection, parents’ fear stems from concern for their child’s well-being: ‘Couples of the same language and culture end up in divorce at times. Couples with different cultures and languages would have more problems. And how can I help her if she lives thousands of miles away?’

Before introducing a boy/girlfriend from another country to parents, plant a seed of familiarity first. Think about why you fell in love with him/her and collect examples to show those positive qualities. For example, if you love his thoughtful consideration, think about moments when his consideration made you happy and tell those stories to your parents. Help your parents imagine your partner caring for you. Show the pictures of your partner and talk about how caring he/she is to you. This gradual exposure will help them let their guard down. Start with someone in your family who is most likely to accept your partner.

Step 2: Meet to Build Trust.

After their guard is lowered, it is time to build trust. The base of liking is trust. We can only like someone when we know we can trust them. In his book, Pre-suation, Dr. Robert Cialdini, a respected expert in persuasion, explains that building trust is the starting point of any persuasion and that commonality and compliment are shortcuts to liking. To build trust, we need to meet. Making eye contact and exchanging smiles boost the trust hormone of oxytocin, replacing anxiety with familiarity. Don’t make the first meeting an interview. Invite your partner to family events, such as a parent’s birthday, or invite your parents to a date. Let your parents see how you care for each other. Be careful of the level of physical affection. Hugging and holding hands are okay but kissing would make Korean parents feel uncomfortable.

Help your partner and parents find commonalities. Think about what they have in common, and let both sides know about the commonalities. For example, both my father and husband came out of challenging economic circumstances through education and hard work. I let them know about this commonality. Even before they met each other, my father appreciated my husband for completing bachelor’s and master’s degrees and for working on his doctoral degree on his own. My husband also respected my father for his accomplishment of starting off at the bottom and then becoming an executive plant manager.

Step 3: Spend Time Together to Grow the Relationship.

After building trust, it is time to build a relationship so that they can accept each other as new family members. Plan occasions where they can spend time together. Think about activities that both your parents and partner would enjoy. The happiness chemical of dopamine is released in many daily situations, such as when we eat delicious food, watch movies, and enjoy fun or new experiences.

A good mood will open their mind and motivate them to learn about each other. Then, they can see beyond stereotypes. Also, whenever they think of happy moments they spent together, serotonin levels will go up, making them happy. Have your partner bring gifts or send a message to your parents on their birthdays. Compliment and gratitude are the biggest rewards for the brain. Use them to earn your parents’ support!

The best way to grow our brain and society is by accepting diversity. New experience and knowledge stimulate our brain. There are people who look and speak differently than we do. But their feelings are the same as ours. Give the same respect to those who are different. And learn and use differences to grow together. Commonalities bond us and Differences grow us.