Romantic love often starts with a spark, so we say “we hit it off” or “we felt chemistry.” When we fall in love, we feel excited and even euphoric. Our initial heart pounding is due to high stress hormones, leading us to be narrowly-focused. The focus is on earning the heart of the one we are attracted to. At this time, the frontal cortex of the thinking brain is less active. So, we tend to overlook their shortcomings. As a relationship is established, cortisol goes down and the natural mood stabilizer serotonin returns to normal. We become more comfortable around our partner than excited. And we also begin to notice more than their good side. The flip side of feeling secure is boredom.

From May 10 to 12, 2019, I conducted a survey of women between their 20s and 40s about the reasons for boredom in their relationships. Among 67 participants, 40% said it is because they notice more shortcomings of their partners, 30% said they get tired of the same routine, 18% said they feel disappointed by their partner’s reduced affection or care, 7% said they look sloppy around them, 5% said they don’t try to grow. Then, what are the ways to overcome boredom in a relationship?

When we get used to each other’s presence, we tend to take them and what they do for us for granted. The brain has to work nonstop, so it tries to save energy as much as possible. The brain stops paying attention to what it perceives as normal. That is why it is easy to forget the positive qualities that initially attracted you to your partner. The brain’s energy-saving function doesn’t always serve us well. Love always takes effort.

Thank Each Other

When you notice yourself focusing on the negative side of your partner, write about what you like about them. Your partner probably got better at predicting what you like or dislike. Pay attention to what they do for you. And thank them. Buy a small gift to show your love or appreciation. Appreciation boosts dopamine in both of your brains. To give thanks, you need to direct your attention to the positives. Praise is the biggest prize for the brain, triggering dopamine release. Your gratitude will make your partner happy and more motivated to repeat the actions to get that praise again. Thanking creates a virtuous cycle of lasting love. Boredom doesn’t set in just because the same routine is repeated. It is because we are unsatisfied with the routine. Thanking helps us be satisfied with what we’ve got.

Try Something Old

Happy memories boost serotonin, making you happy. Look at pictures of happy moments you enjoyed together. Also, try reenacting those moments. You can visit the same places you went on your first date or anniversaries. Or, do activities that you used to enjoy together. For example, three years ago, my husband and I visited the town where we met. We drove around the university campus and our old houses, reflecting on our memories. We also recently dug up the old Nintendo Wii we used to play together.

Re-living happy moments will remind you of what brought you together. Even when you feel distant from your partner, acting like a loving couple can help bring back the old feelings. The way we act can change the way we feel by changing the hormones inside of us. This is part of the reason that TV or movie couples easily turn into real-life couples. Kissing, hugging, and walking while holding hands boost the love hormone of oxytocin. Love needs to be expressed. Expressions of love are the glue that bonds you and your partner together.

Try Something New

A long-term relationship doesn’t equal boredom. In 2011, neuroscientists at Stony Brook University compared the brain scans of loving couples with different years of relationship. They found no difference in the intensity of activity in the dopamine-rich areas, which means the length of a relationship doesn’t inevitably dampen romance. You don’t need to change your partner every time you get bored. Instead, try something new. With the comfort and support your long-term partner provides, explore new interests or even new careers. This is a special benefit exclusive to long-term, especially married couples.

You can take turns of supporting each other so that you both have a chance to take risks and pursue your dreams. With my husband’s support, I achieved the lifestyle I wanted. I am a digital nomad who makes a living through writing, social marketing, and market research. With my support, my husband made a career change from professor of communication to actor and model. Every change involves risks. Having a lifetime partner can allow you to take risks and achieve the life you want. When each other’s presence is the foundation for personal growth and happiness, there is no room for boredom.

Add Small Changes to Daily Life

New experiences boost dopamine because it is a learning and motivation chemical. The brain releases dopamine not just to make us happy but to make us act. To add spice to your couple’s life, make a bucket list of things that you and your partner want to try. Some are those you can do right now and others are for the future. In the short term, you can have a couple’s massage, a night out at a hotel, or take a weekend trip somewhere. For example, my husband and I took a two-night trip to Tokyo, Japan, for our 13th first-date anniversary. We chose robots and fashion as the theme of our trip. We went to see robots at a museum and took a tour of Ginza, a famous shopping district in Tokyo, with a Japanese fashion stylist, Hiroyuki Ishizuka. Adding new memories is important to keeping romance alive.