When we fall in love with someone, we experience a rush of dopamine that makes us happy. Our lover’s kisses and hugs boost oxytocin that makes us feel close to them and safe around them. When we feel loved and appreciated for who we are, we also experience a steady flow of serotonin, making us feel calm and confident. These feel-good chemicals motivate us to stay together. The flip side of the strong bond is the strong pain when we lose them due to a breakup or death. Suddenly, the feel-good hormones drop, while the stress hormones skyrocket.

A breakup or bereavement makes us feel alone, lost, and vulnerable. We feel heartache, an actual physical pain, because stress hormones cause our heart to beat erratically. The pain of losing someone is usually worse when we don’t have control of the loss. It is most intense and persistent when we lose someone to death. Unlike a regular breakup, there is nothing that we can do to bring them back. I conducted a survey of Korean women between their 20s and 40s about the toughest challenge of a breakup. Among 81 participants, 42% said it was loneliness, 25% said regret, 21% said feeling lost, and 12% said none/happy to move on.

What are healthy ways to manage the grief of losing a loved one? 

Write Your Feelings

The key to managing the pain of a loss is to let yourself feel whatever emotion comes to you.  Any attempts to suppress your emotion or control your thoughts take energy, leading to exhaustion. Intense emotion results from the hyperactivity of the amygdala, the natural alarm in the brain. The alarm will stay on until you give it proper attention. Instead of resisting thoughts about your loss, write a letter to your ex or your loved one who passed. Put all your thoughts, feelings, and regrets into words. It will help you make sense of your experience and soothe your pain.

Grief and regret are unique emotions. Ultimately, emotions are there to support our survival. Positive emotions motivate us to repeat actions that are beneficial to our survival. Negative emotions make us avoid things that are harmful to our survival. There is nothing we can do about someone passing or our past. How do grief and regret help us? Through our grief after the death of a loved one, we often find new meaning in life, motivating us to live a fuller life to honor them and our unfulfilled dreams. All the regrets after a breakup give us lessons for better relationships. Don’t send the letter you wrote to your ex. The letter is only for you, with your own personalized relationship advice!

Take a Bath with Music

Taking a bath or getting a massage relaxes the  body and the mind by releasing endorphins, a natural pain killer. Music, particularly sad music, helps ease our pain. By listening to lyrics about sadness from love, you realize you are not the only one who experiences this kind of pain. It also helps you release your emotion. Cry as long as you want, while soaking in warm water! Crying soothes the pain by triggering the release of serotonin, oxytocin and endorphins while reducing cortisol.

Naturally, cortisol levels are highest when we wake up and decrease to their lowest in the late evening, helping us rest and sleep. Cortisol during the day is our ally, helping us focus on our job. The loss of a loved one, one of the biggest stressors, disturbs the normal cortisol cycle. Relaxation helps to reduce cortisol and aids your sleep. Sleep produces dopamine and endorphins, empowering you to survive the pain and grow. If you lost your loved one to death, remember that death doesn’t end your relationship with them. Their memory now lives inside of you. If you broke up with someone, remember that you are learning for a better relationship.

Keep Your Routine

While giving yourself the time to process your emotion, you still need to keep your routine. Many everyday activities, such as walking, eating, sleeping, and making decisions, boost feel-good chemicals, helping you work through the pain. Do the favorite things that you used to do with your loved one! For example, go to your favorite restaurants or go to the movies. Do them by yourself or invite your family or friends. Initially, you may feel awkward or sad. Let yourself cry and talk about how you feel to those who care about you. They will empathize with you and give you the support you need.

Try Something New

A loss of a significant other requires adjustments in our lives. At first, you may feel lost and overwhelmed with regret and tempted to call your ex, begging for another chance. Those who lose someone to death don’t even have this chance. Take at least a couple of months before you contact your ex or start a new relationship. You need some time to think back and grow. Establishing a new routine takes time and effort. On average, a new habit takes 66 days to form.

As a starter, make a list of what you want to do, such as starting a new hobby. Learning new skills and knowledge involves the prefrontal cortex of the thinking brain. Using the thinking brain helps to stabilize your emotion by reducing the activity of the amygdala. Try reading for a new hobby. Reading will help relieve your pain.

These tips are not meant to forget your loved one, but rather to find a way to grow with your memories. We have evolved to have long-term memories to increase our chances of survival. Our memories are not fixed. We continue to rewrite our memories to guide our life decisions. Let your memories guide you to live a happier and more meaningful life!