A language difference doesn’t stop us from loving someone. When we love someone, we learn to understand them. When we initially fall in love, we are just excited to see each other. Many international couples have different native languages. The sound of a foreign language makes them more attractive. Novelty triggers a surge of dopamine in the brain, a hormone that motivates us to act toward our goal – winning their heart. In the early stage of romantic love, couples can’t get enough of each other. Although the stress hormone cortisol also rises due to uncertainty, we still feel more excited than nervous. At this stage, we focus on the positives while overlooking potential challenges.

From April 19 to 21, 2019, I conducted a survey of Korean women who are dating or married to foreigners about their language of communication. Among 201 survey participants, about 60% of the couples communicate mainly in their partner’s native language, 10% communicate in Korean, and 30% both communicate in their second language. 62% said the most frustrating moment as a multi-lingual couple is when they feel difficulty in expressing themselves. Only 7% said it was when they feel difficulty understanding their partner. 28% said it was when they need to interpret for their partner, and 3% said there was no difficulty from language differences.

What are ways to overcome the frustration of a language barrier in international relationships?

Write Your Feelings

A language barrier becomes more of an issue when we have disagreement, especially during an argument. Under stress, the prefrontal cortex of the thinking brain is overtaken by the amygdala of the emotional brain. That is why our mind often goes blank in stressful situations. The more you try to think of the right words to say during an argument, the more you get frustrated, impairing your ability to speak even more. To prevent this, write down what you want to say in your native language. It will help calm your emotion and organize your own thought. Translate the most important message you want to get across before speaking to your lover.

Paraphrase Each Other

Most international couples have one dominant language of communication. The partner who speaks their native language has an advantage over the other. The ability to predict others’ intention was critical to human survival, so the brain has evolved to activate the same regions of the brain when we try to understand someone. By doing so, we get a sense of how they feel and what they are likely to do and then prepare our responses accordingly. However, we still use our own experiences to understand others. Our understanding is always somewhat different from what our lover is feeling. To better understand each other, paraphrase what you think your lover is trying to say. This is especially important for the partner who speaks in their native language. Help your lover to express their feelings by paraphrasing their message. Never criticize their lack of fluency. They want to improve their fluency more than you do.

Focus on Action Plans

A change in action often leads to a change in the mind. We touch our lover because we love them. Our love also grows through physical touch, releasing the love hormone of oxytocin. Your lover doesn’t need to understand your exact feelings to do something for you. When they get a habit of doing something, they will eventually feel like that is how they are. Focus on action plans. Tell them what you want them to do differently. Agree on a small change to work on. Make the plan as specific as possible. For example, if you want your partner to be more romantic, ask them to get a small gift for you once a month. You may feel like it is not out of love. However, those conscious efforts will help love grow.

Learn Their Language

To live happy, we need to focus on what we can control. We cannot make our lover learn our language if they are unwilling. Whether or not they learn our language is their choice. Think of speaking in your second language as taking full advantage of being an international couple. When you learn a foreign language, the hippocampus, the information processing center in the brain, actually grows in size and improves your memory. Being a multilingual also greatly expands your career opportunities.

The key to improving your foreign language is to use it. Read, write, and speak in the new language! The brain prioritizes information that it deems important to our life. It bases its judgment on what we pay attention to and what we repeat. What I regularly do is read the same books both in Korean and in English. I also talk about what I learned from the books in English to my American husband. And I write articles about what I learned both in Korean and in English. Repeated outputs are shortcuts to fluency!